UnNews:Willy Wonka wins Ukraine election
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
26 May 2014
The Ukraine presidential election has been won by eccentric chocolate factory owner, Willy Wonka.
Wonka took several members of the Press around his factory, as he talked of his hopes for his presidency. While Wonka initially seemed serene, almost icily so, his composure was lost when a journalist asked him about recent Russian aggression. He replied, in song:
There's no earthly way of knowing
Which direction they are going...
There's no knowing where they're rowing...
Or which way the river's flowing...
Is it raining, is it snowing?
Is a hurricane a-blowing?
Not a speck of light is showing
So the danger must be growing...
Are the fires of Hell a-glowing?
Is the grisly Reaper mowing?
Yes! The danger must be growing
Cause the rowers keep on rowing
And they're certainly not showing
Any sign that they are slowing!
He noticeably perked up, however, when a fat German journalist fell into his chocolate lake and was sucked up through some pipes.
The tour went on curiously, with several journalists falling afoul of various alluring honey traps in the factory, each punctuated by an appearance of small men in unusual clothes and thick makeup, who were initially mistaken by the press for Russian paramilitaries.
Members of Wonka's PR team were keen to stress their leader's vision for his presidency. His electoral campaign was built on the poetic refrain:
There is no
Life I know
To compare with pure imagination.
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be.
Critics have been quick to point out that the promise of an imaginary freedom is something of a cop-out, but Wonka's supporters maintain that, with an aggressive Russia as next door neighbours and seemingly no substantial help from the international community, it might be the only viable form of freedom Ukrainians can hope for.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Leverage, "Profile: Ukraine 'chocolate king' President Poroshenko" BBC, May 26, 2014