UnNews:Why?:Mitt Romney is a dick
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
9 March 2012
Selma, Alabama - Mitt Romney is officially a dick, says the Montgomery based "Association of WTF?" (AOWTF?). And apparently Romney is talking in a southern drawl as he tours Alabama and Mississippi in preparation for next Tuesday's GOP primary contests.
Cliff Barnswallow, "Just Plain Cliff" to his friends, AOWTF?'s spokesperson, pointed out to a roomful of assembled reporters that "Even though Rick Santorum won the popular vote in most Congressional districts in Ohio, in some of them he, Santorum, won, he was denied the delegates to the nominating convention. Why? Because his early campaign was too weak to file candidates in every district. OK, Long-Winded Barnswall, that's what they call me. But here's the important point: Mitt Romney took Santorum's delegates."
"He just stole 'em!" Barnswallow continued. "Romney stole Santorum's delegates and never said boo to the Ohio state election commission. He could have told them, 'Come on guys, Santorum won those fair and square. Just give them to him.' No, Romney didn't say that! Instead Romney went along with a plan by the State Republican Party to let four of their own delegates go to the convention to vote for Romney. That's not fair!"
"All right, Just Plain Cliff," said Anderson Cooper of CNN News. "I understand that the AOWTF? is concerned that the Republican Party is going to put up a dick as its nominee. Am I correct?"
"Nail on the head, Sir, nail on the head," Long-Winded answered. "You must work overtime at that place they've got you in. If the GOP purposely nominates a dick, WTF? If one guy would just take four delegates that the other guy won, come on, WTF?"
"Helen Thomas here, I've got a question."
"Go on, hon."
"Alright, Romney, who's a walking satire, has begun acting like a Southerner," said Thomas, eating a candy with one hand and writing with the othetr. "One or more of his handlers told him to use a Southern accent and say 'y'all' and eat grits. Today Romney talked about it, about how he's becoming a southerner, and said 'Something strange seems to be happening to me'. What the dickens did he mean?"
"Helen, you ask the best questions. You always did," Cliff Barnswallow said. "Romney has such a fixed personality, the boy never came out to socialize with anyone besides his own economic class and then it was yucks all around. What it was, his brainwashed Dad, George, and his misshapen Mom raised him poorly. So this guy, this rigid upper-crustier of the upper-crust, starts to put on a southern accent and talks twang. He looks crazy as a bedbug - which he would crush in a second if it ran across the stage - but what he's actually doing is changing some pathways in his brain. Southern accents can do that to the neurons - for one thing they are extremely calming when done well. So Romney's brain is changing. Call it Brain Change."
"Ha, you're doing a pun on the movie, Game Change, which shows on HBO this Saturday night," said Bill James of the Boston Red Sox who revolutionized the entire fucking game of major league baseball with his new take and emphasis on statistics, "and is about the choice of choosing Sarah Palin as John McClain's running mate in 2008, and how it made the Republican Party look like a laughing stock at a hyena convention."
"Clever work-in, stat-man, to the Palin flick click. But yeah, Romney is a bottom line dick," said Bellbottom Beutreau of the Toronto Star. "Does the country need that in a major presidential candidate? Does Romney winning the nomination mean that the GOP is fronted by a dick? Especially this year, when thousands of people occupied the streets of America just to expose the dicks, and hundreds of them got arrested for exposing dicks. And they're going to go out and expose dicks again any time now. Would you?"
"Expose a dick?" said Cliff Barnswallow. "I thought we just did."
Barnswallow grabbed his coat and left the news conference in the AOWTF?'s vanmobile with an entourage of skeptics and satirists, all looking to find a late night Indian restaurant with soft spices. Meanwhile, Helen Thomas opened up her mid-1990s laptop and filed her story with the AARP magazine, whose elderly editor promised then and there to run it next month, "Cross my heart, Helen," she said. And then there was Anderson Cooper, johnny-on-the-spot, speed-dialing Rick Santorum to get his reaction.
"Hi Anderson. What? Yeah. What? You don't say! Romney is what, a dick?" said Santorum. "And you say his brain was affected strangely by pretending to be a southerner? Who the hell told him to talk with a Southern accent? What did he expect? OK, you want my reaction. Well, he did steal my delegates. I guess that makes him a dick. No, yeah, I'm sure it makes him a dick. But what the hell did he think was going to happen if he started talking southern? It's very calming and smooth, two states of mind that Romney has never experienced in public before. So I'm not surprised that something strange seems to be happening to him. It's just like the actress Michelle Williams, who's grabbed onto a ghost with that Marilyn Monroe persona and she's still trapped inside of it. Mitt Romney is a dick, a dick all the way, and now I'll give you even-odds he freaks out on his accent neuron trip too," said Santorum.
Helen Thomas, always a betting woman, took Santorum up on his bet.
