UnNews:War on Illegal drugs working

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18 January 2007

Apart from being legal, cigarettes have been scientifically proven to make you not only thin and sexy, but also to give you great tits and a truly fabulous ass.

HELMS, South Carolina, Thursday (UNN) — The hard work of Tobacco Institute philanthropists in the War on Illegal Drugs was revealed today, when Harvard University's School of Public Health noted that the average level of nicotine from major-brand cigarettes had increased 11% between 1997 and 2005.

Manufacturers both raised the concentration of nicotine in the tobacco and made design modifications to increase the number of puffs per cigarette. The end result, say the researchers, is much more addictive cigarettes, which then keep people away from bad drugs.

"We really hate blowing our own trumpet," said a spokesman for Philip Morris USA, "but we're glad people know how we've been doing our best to lure those poor souls with addictive personalities away from drugs that are obviously dangerous, because they're illegal, to those whose health-giving properties are affirmed by being not merely legal, but subsidised by taxes."

As well as making you thin, sexy and stylish, nicotine has also been shown to be a powerful mood stabiliser, meaning smokers are calmer, saner and more considered and rational than non-smokers. "This is why people go batshit insane when they try to quit. I mean, as if there's a reason to do such a foolish thing."

Other makers of legal drugs hailed the tobacco industry's hard work for the public good. "A calming, refreshing cigarette will help you make sensible and rational purchasing decisions such as a cool, refreshing bottle of Thunderbird," said a spokesbum for E.J. Gallo. "You know it makes sense. What's the word? Thunderbird!"

Sources

• King George VI "Praise the Lord for the Tobacco Industry!" Prosperity through Phlegm, January 18, 2007