UnNews:Vampire claims 'Twilight' is ruining his afterlife

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3 January 2011

The vampire has found his killing sprees increasingly problematic, even in Adelaide.

ADELAIDE, Australia -- The fearsome vampire Duke Stefan von Bruheim, originally of Bucharest, Romania but now resident in Adelaide, says that the phenomenal success of the Twilight series has destroyed his pleasure in feasting on young women.

"As soon as I bare my fangs and move to rip out their jugular, the girls look at me passionately in the eye and offer to be my soulmate," he said. "And I can't stomach it all - all that 'love beyond time' bullshit really puts me off my dinner. They don't seem to realise I'm after blood, not love and understanding in a world that ignorantly fears me. Even the Buffy years weren't as bad as this. Back then, my victims only wanted to kick my arse."

Adding to Von Brofen's plight is the fact that he looks 19, with a pale, handsome face and piercing blue eyes. "If I had my time again, I'd have entered the legions of the undead when I was wizened and hideous," he said. "Well actually, if I had my time over again, I'd avoid riding along a vampire-infested country road late at night. But it's too late for that now."

The 382-year-old vampire says he's tried to explain that he just wants to brutally murder his victims, but that it's no use. "I explain that I want them to be my unsolved homicide victims, not my very own Bella Swan. But then they beg to spend eternity by my side anyway, and I end up leaving in disgust and resorting to yet another raid on some biddy in a nursing home.

"Honestly, why would any of us want to spend the next 75 years lugging around some insipid wretch, protecting her from other vampires?" he said. "I know we're fictional creatures, but that doesn't even come close to ringing true. As far as I'm concerned, that evil werewolf they all keep going on about is welcome to them."

Von Bruheim says he's been tempted on numerous occasions to get his revenge by devouring Stephanie Meyer's own hateful entrails. "But then I remember her books," he said. "And I'm reminded that her taste is absolutely appalling."