UnNews:Ukraine finally does something in war with Russia
SUDZHA, RUSSIA --- In what was seen as a either a desperate move or a bold move that should have been made long ago, Ukraine finally did something in its game of Settlers of Catan with the invading Russian forces.
Putin's Russia had started the game strong back in early 2014, taking all the iron ore and brick areas in Eastern Ukraine, before trolling Ukraine with a full-on assault starting in 2022, building random roads through Ukrainian territory but ultimately failing to build crucial settlements like a noob. Though Zelenskyy had countered with some good defensive moves and cock-blocked many of those roads, the game has been quite uneventful as of late, as the dice has only landed on numbers no one cares about, resulting in a stalemate between Ukraine and Russia due to lack of progress. To add further insult to injury, the United States government has been more hesitant than ever to make trades with Ukraine and only Poland has mustered up some shitty deals, giving Ukraine wheat when it already had a surplus and wanted wood instead. Desperate to make a move, Zelenskyy finally snapped and slapped out his secret weapon: the Uno Reverse Card.
"Wrong game!" shouted Putin.
"Not like you've ever played by the rules either, Vlad", retorted Zelenskyy.
Though the card wound up being utterly useless at the time, Putin was riled up by the card and became even more intent on trying to build his longest road from the Donbass to Crimea and ultimately Georgia (no, not that Georgia, at least not yet, thank Jebus). Due to his tunnel vision, he overlooked securing the gold area in southwestern Russia, allowing Zelenskyy to use his final available resources to build a settlement there, which not only gave Ukraine a bargaining chip, but also the resources and trajectory to build its own longest road straight to Moscow.
"How dare you take up that settlement in my own land!" whined Putin. Having run out of roads to block Ukraine's new venture into Russian territory, as he had already spent numerous resources in favor of building right through Ukraine, Putin flipped the table and almost rage-quit, though this has extended the stalemate as both sides had to pick up the pieces before resuming play. Putin has now decided to devote more effort to build more roads to stop Zelenskyy's new venture into Russian territory, which has given Ukraine the new opportunity to also cock block Putin's envisioned "longest road" through Crimea.
Stay tuned to the Fake News Network for more UnNews about this game of Catan that everyone has either forgotten about or gotten tired of. As a reminder, the game can last anywhere between 6 hours to 20 years.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Jake Epstein "Maps show how much Russian territory Ukraine is thought to have captured just over a week into its invasion" Business Insider, Augst 15, 2024