UnNews:Ukraine: World like wildebeests

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Identified troops take over the Crimean parliament while the rest of the world talks about the Winter Olympics.

4 March 2014
The Russian attack of Ukraine is like nothing so much as an alligator attacking a wildebeest, with the rest of the world acting out the part of nervous, on-looking wildebeests, according to experts.

Renegade historian Joanna Corey told UnNews while smoking weed out, "That's all we are man, we're fucking wildebeest. Just there at the lake, you know? [Shifting forward.] sup sup sup! Drinking away that water, or gasoline, or money, or power, or whatever. And then a big alligator comes along and goes SNAP!

Some countries get the fuck out, while the most powerful ones in the world discuss how to compose the strongly-worded letter of reproach.

"I am not saying we are pussies, wildebeests are pretty bad ass. Have you seen that video, where one hits a cyclist? I think it's a wildebeest. But like, what are we going to do? Are we going to, like, invade Russia? I don't think so! Are we going to totally sanctions their asses? No, we need their gas. Guess where all the gas in Europe comes from, and guess which country the gas pipes go through!

"So we're just sitting there at the side of the lake, our balls all contracted in fear, the shitty water still dripping off our lips while we wonder how many dead wildebeests have been in that lake before. Meantime the crocodile is like spinning our buddy around and around under the water and drowning him and shit.

"And then all the little wildebeests start running off, and the big ones are all standing around looking at each other, like, 'Are we getting involved with that? He'll fuck us all up, right?' So they're like, no, let's just talk about the possibility of sanctions, and just condemn them in 'the strongest possible terms' while keeping our antlers way the fuck away."