UnNews:UN Prison Officials Cleared of "Shenanigans" in Miloševic Case

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

19 March 2006

An autopsy of former Yugoslav leader Slobodan Miloševic has concluded that the dictator's death on March 12, 2006 was "definitely not" caused by cooties, tickle-tickle, the giggles, or got-your-nose, according to officials of the UN War Crimes Tribunal at The Hague.

A forensics examination earlier in the week determined that charges of prison medical staff allowing "potentially fatal drug interactions" between Miloševic's occasional doses of Beano™ and Flintstones Chewable Vitamins™ were "completely baseless."

Photographic evidence suggests that Miloševic may have been the victim of repeated noogie attacks.

Nevertheless, persistent rumors regarding the cause of Miloševic's demise have spread like wildfire in the international news media. A new theory suggests that the architect of "ethnic cleansing" in Bosnia and the Serbian provice of Kosovo may have been the victim of a massive heebie-jeebies attack, possibly caused by his being given an "atomic wedgie" by prison guards.

"It is well-known that President Miloševic received several severe swirlies, as well as many hot-foots and various types of wedgies at the hands of jailers during his many months of unjust incarceration," claimed a spokesman for the Serbian Socialist Party in Belgrade. "The cumulative effect of these cruel shenanigans, along with the almost daily brain-freezes from being force-fed raspberry sno-cones in the prison commissary, undoubtedly worsened his already-weakened condition."

UN officials declined to comment, other than to deny a recent report suggesting that guards subjected Milosevic to repeated noogies just prior to giving him a pepperoni-and-powdered-Ex-Lax™ pizza two days before his death. In previous press conferences, officials have also denied allegations that the man behind the mass-murder of tens of thousands of Bosnian and Albanian Muslims had been forced to squirt soda pop out of his nose, listen to Celine Dion's Greatest Hits multiple times in succession, compete in "Pull My Finger" contests with visiting UN facility inspectors, and — perhaps worst of all — read "humor" articles posted to satirical websites.

Of all the allegations, the charges related to forced reading of web-based humor articles are considered the most serious by international legal experts. According to Pierre Brasson, a Paris-based attorney for Amnesty International, "Miloševic may have been directly responsible for the deaths of a quarter-million people, but humor wikis? No matter how heinous the crime, lines must be drawn if civilization is to continue. I mean, what's next? Online JavaScript training?"

Funeral services for Miloševic took place on March 18, 2006 at Belgrade's National Museum of Animated TV Clown Voice-Over Recordings. At his interment ceremony, Vartan Dudevic, a lifelong friend of the brutal dictator, stated in a eulogy that "the wrongful death of this great Serbian hero will not go unanswered, even if we must personally examine each and every stick of bubble-gum, chewy-chew, lollipop, thin-mint, trick sugar-cube, chocolate-covered raisin, rubber shark, gummi-bear, dirty pair of socks, and hemhorroid suppository in The Netherlands."