UnNews:UK pupil loses right to wear suit of armour

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 July 2007

Without this suit of armour this woman would undoubtedly become a TUPENNY WHORE!

A 16-YEAR-OLD GIRL was not discriminated against when she was banned from wearing a padlocked suit of armour in school, the High Court has ruled. Gertrude Bumquat was told by her school to remove the suit of armour - fitted by her father, evangelical Christian pastor The Verily Reverend Barry Bumquat, when she turned 13 - or face expulsion.

Reverend Bumquat was beside himself, "I myself wore a suit of armour during my formative school years. It has been a family tradition for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. Why can't my daughter be afforded the same rights to wear armour to school? She needs protection from all those sex-crazed ruffians out there!"

"What will stop my daughter from becoming a brazen whore now? Tell me that! TELL ME!"

The school denied breaching her human rights and said it was "delighted" with the outcome: "I mean, the girl looked bloody ridiculous and nearly drowned six times during this summer's school swimming gala!".

Miss Bumquat said she was "very disappointed" by the decision. "Surely wearing a cumbersome, padlocked suit of armour is my human right," said Miss Bumquat. "I believe that I should be permitted to exert the will of my father and the imposition of his unconventional and irrational fear for my chastity."

She said the ruling would "mean that slowly, over time, I may now succumb to the temptations of the flesh. Some sex-crazed ruffians will come along and I will no doubt probably be pregnant by the end of next week.".

Judge Michael Snapperdapperlapper QC ruled the act of wearing a suit of armour was not "intimately linked" to the belief in chastity before marriage. "The claimant [Miss Bumquat] was under no obligation, by reason of her belief, to wear a full suit of armour, nor does she suggest that she was so obliged," he said.

He rejected the submission that the armour was a "religious artifact" and therefore exempt from the school's uniform policy which bans armour, swords, axes and other medieval paraphernalia.

"Whatever the armour is intended to symbolise, it is a medieval artifact of war," he said. "...as such it is my belief that such things are best kept in museums and out of the classroom."

Headmaster Leon Lancelotte said: "Whilst we are clearly delighted with the outcome of the court hearing today, our success is tinged with regret that three pupils had to be decapitated by Ms Bumquat to finally bring this contentious issue to court." He continued, "We tried to be flexible and offered to permit the Ms. Bumquat the option of wearing a raditation or even a routine space suit with a helmet. We were even prepared to allow her to wear a deep sea diver suit with hard metal helmet and have air pumped in. But she would have none of it. She claimed that while our offer was 'interesting,' the alternative clothing simply showed too much skin, and she sensed that just talking about the possibilities was already causing the men around her to become aroused." "The girl is a wee bit off," Lancelotte said.

The only argument made by Ms. Bumquat that was received well by the court was the well-known and recognized fact that most Muslim pupils "are already wearing all manner of explosive devices under their own robes."

Miss Bumquat said she was now considering whether to appeal against a separate ruling forbidding her from bringing a sword and / or axe to school "for protection from sex-crazed ruffians".

The keeper of the Silver Ring Thing Ring

Since the case first went to court the original shitstirrers, the Silver Ring Thing has merged with the Lawyers Christian Fellowship due a hostile takeover. The two corporations, made up of corrupt lawyers and religious freaks, are now called the Christian Lawyers Fellowship of the Ring.

Sources

• Sir Lancelot "allo darlin'" you fancy a "lancing" luv? (fnar fnar), July 16, 2007