UnNews:UK Police Laser Gun Use To Be Extended

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

16 May 2007

Set phasers to "Institutional Racism"

MORE POLICE OFFICERS are to be armed with Laser guns under plans revealed by the Home Secretary.

John Reid will announce that use of the controversial weapons will no longer be limited to trained firearms officers, if independent medical advice backs the proposal. Crucially, the circumstances in which suspects can be obliterated will also be widened.

A Home Office spokeswoman said: "The Home Secretary is expected to announce the intention, subject to independent medical advice, to commence a trial to extend the use of Laser weapons to specially-trained teams, including traffic wardens."

She added: "Officers will be facing violence or threats of violence, and they would need to deploy their laser to protect the public or themselves or the subject. Whether it be a "stun" or full "disintergration" blast would be down to officer discretion."

Mr Reid is due to announce the move during his speech to the Police Federation annual conference in Blackpool. Proposals to extend use of the high-tech weapons have been sent to a special committee by the Home Office for medical assessment.

Unnews medical correspondent, Dr Finlay Quail, was rather matter of fact when asked what the likely conclusions of the assessment would be.

"Basically, If the laser is set to kill the result will probably be lethal whereas a "stun" setting should not be, unless the recipient of the blast has an underlying medical condition or is some sort of alien in disguise." Quail stated this morning, "I can't see why the use of lasers cannot be endorsed, especially if it helps to keep our police forces one of the few in the world not to carry hand-guns. That is something we should be proud of, I'm sure you'll agree."

Other proposals due to be presented to the conference include to unleashing of a new army of "clone" police officers in an attempt to alleviate the current recruitment crisis endemic in the police service today. John Reid was this morning unavailable for comment after he was last seen fighting a small green creature with swords "that looked like coloured fluorescent lightbulbs"

Sources

• Yahoo "Is That a laser in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" Yahoo, May 16, 2007