UnNews:UF Student Tasered at Kerry Event

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

18 September 2007

FLORIDA - University of Florida (UF) launched an question and answer session with John Kerry and a student who asked too many of the wrong questions got tasered and carried away by the Thought Police.

BABY DON'T TASE ME! [1]

A University of Florida student, Andrew Meyer, asked John Kerry a few questions when Kerry visited his campus. Number one was why did Kerry concede when he actually won the 2004 election, and 5 million African-American votes were not even counted. Kerry hemmed and hawed and didn't answer it but said "I know." He then asked a question about if Kerry is against the Iraq war why doesn't he impeach Bush? Kerry hemmed and hawed and didn't answer it but said "I should." He then asked a third question and wanted to know if Kerry is a member of the Skull and Bones the same group that George W. Bush is a member of? Kerry hemmed and hawed and didn't answer it but said "I know." At that point Kerry took his hand and moved it across his throat repeatedly and a few Thought Police officers took Mr. Meyer away and started to rough him up.

Kerry spoke "I'll answer your questions. Come back I'll answer them." but the Thought Police got out their tasers. Mr. Meyer begged "Don't taser me, bro!" over and over again but [2]he was tasered multiple times. Mr. Meyer was put into an ambulance and taken to the Ministry of Love, in room 101 to start his reeducation by the Thought Police. Mr. Meyer was quoted as saying "Do it to Julia! Do it to Julia! Not me! Julia! I don't care what you do to her. Tase her instead, strip her to her underwear. Not me! Julia! Not me!" But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. He had won the victory over himself. He loved John Kerry.

Later on, tasering people started to become a new trend with young people. John Kerry stated that he would sign a bill making it legal to taser other people without even having a good reason to taser them. "I fully support the right and freedom for the people to keep and bare tasers!" stated Kerry as he voted for the bill.

Kerry later stated that "War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength. We shall always be at war with Oceanda." Kerry then stated "Your worst enemy," he reflected, "was your own nervous system. At any moment the tension inside you was liable to translate itself into some visible symptom." when talking about how Mr. Meyer had been tasered.

The purpose of Newspeak was not only to provide a medium of expression for the world-view and mental habits proper to the devotees of Ingsoc, but to make all other modes of thought impossible.

Sources

• "Student Arrested, Tasered at Kerry Event" ABC News, September 18, 2007

• "Reeducation of Tasered Student" Thought Police, September 18, 2007