UnNews:U. S. prepares for Saddam's execution
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
29 December 2006
Baghdad, Iraq - The United States is planning to hand Saddam Hussein over to Iraqi authorities for execution by hanging, perhaps as early as this weekend, Associated Press reporter Lauren Frayer announced. Meanwhile, the U. S. is making preparations for the former dictator's execution.
"K-Mart has very graciously contributed several different types, diameters, and lengths of rope," Less Killum, a spokesperson for the Department of Justice said, adding, "Wal-mart has contributed a folding step ladder."
Authorities say that they plan to force Saddam to climb to the top step of the ladder. Then, someone will kick the ladder out from under his feet, and Saddam will reach the end of his rope, where he will hang until dead.
Lynn Chu, a professional hangman, says, "They say 'until dead' because if the rope doesn't break the condemned man's neck, it will choke him to death--eventually."
Although Saddam is expected to be dead by New Year's Day and he has been sentenced to be hung, several influential individuals are pressing for the dictator to be killed by firing squad, electrocution, or gas chamber. However, Fahhad Omalahaddad Baghdadda, a spokesman for the Iraqi government, such as it is, was adamant that Saddam would be hung, saying, "Iraq prefers that the pig be hung, and hung he shall be."
The execution will take place in a public forum. Tickets are being printed for sale, the cheapest of which will cost $1,500 (U. S. dollars), and the most expensive of which will cost $5,500. "It may seem high," Baghdadda said, "but it's really a bargain. Spectators will see the bastard dictator and killer of Kurds twist at the end of his rope, thrashing and kicking. He is a strong, healthy man and a good dancer. He will most likely put on quite a show."
Guests who witness Saddam's execution will include President George W. Bush, his wife Laura, and their twin daughters Barbara and Jenna. "I've waited a long time to see this," the president divulged, "and so has Laura." The first family intends to bring a picnic lunch and make a day of it. "Afterward, we may attend the autopsy," the president said, "to see whether he had a heart or, for that matter, a brain."
"I could have bought a blue dress like the one Monica Lewisnki wore during her visits with Bill Clinton," Jenna said, "but I'd rather see Saddam jerk and thrash as he chokes to death." She'll ask for her money back, she said, if the drop breaks Saddam's neck. "I'm paying a lot of money to see the dictator meet his maker, who, I believe will be Jehovah, not Allah, and I want to see some pain and suffering."
Barbara added, "I get to keep his teeth, tongue, and eyes, which should make nice souvenirs."
Saddam's only comment was, "Death to them all, the bastards. Iraq is my country. I built palaces, palaces and mosques, and I developed graceyards, thousands of them, many unmarked. I built this country, andit belongs to me. I will kill Wikipedia before I die."
Source[edit | edit source]
- Lauren Frayer "U.S. preparing for Saddam's execution" Associated Press, December 28, 2006