UnNews:Twinkie supply dwindling in OPEC nations

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

25 July 2006

RYADH -- In a general notice to OPEC leaders, the Twinkie industry may not be able to keep up with the increasing demand of twinkies in the Middle East. The increased demand for twinkies in this region is causing starvation in countries like Ethiopia and Indonesia where twinkies are considered a main food source.

The Twinkie industry warned that twinkie prices may triple in price over the next few weeks. Oddly, the main ingredients of twinkies are petroleum derivatives and petroluem by-products. The spokesman stated that this was not a response to the increased price of oil, but a response to an unprecedented regional demand increase causing a global depletion of twinkie supplies.

One direct reason for the loss of global twinkie supplies has been suggested by one MIT professor. "In the Middle East, there has been a highly marked increase in the number of persons getting stoned." "So much so, that the after effects has caused a well documented ballooning of twinkie consumption in those regions."

One US Senator responded that since the US is considered the fattest nation on the planet, "we should take this as a National Security problem and to protect ourselves, we should buy up any remaining twinkie reserves."

According to the Twinkie industry, the total consumption of twinkies in the Middle East has far exceded both the US's and France's amounts of consumed of twinkies per month. It should be noted that this amount does not count imported and exported twinkies. However, by next month the projected consumption rate may rival China's.

US Senator, Howard Dean commented on the problem, "BYAH!! Twinkies!! Let's take the whole Middle East!!"

The UN has documented pockets of increased violence due to dwindling twinkie supplies. Several popular convenience stores have been without twinkies on their shelves for a week. At one store without twinkies, one convenience store clerk noted that his store also hasn't been robbed in a week. On another note, the UN is unclear whether or not the number of panty raids will increase when twinkies disappear outright.

"We are completely unsure how the current overconsumption of twinkies in the Middle East will effect the current rate of panty raids in the Middle East, its too soon to tell," commented one UN official.

Sources

• Yuri of the former KGB
• Everybody must get stoned, UnNews
• Four Palestinians killed in panty raid, National Geographic, 1977.