UnNews:Toilet paper scarcity in Germany

Friday, August 26, 2022

In Greater West Germany, West German mismanagement and shortage economy strike again. Western media outlet Stern magazine told in a worrysome article, that toilet paper will be in short supply again this coming winter. This time, however, the problem of the toilet paper shortage is not due to Mеrkel, who likes to buy up whole truckloads with her fat pension and just lets them disappear like that. Instead, the shortage is caused but a bottleneck in the gas supply of the FRG, caused by Foreign Minister Bockbeer's enormously big mouth. The hysterical yelling and shouting of the Bundeswehr-green psycho-sonic weapon had caused an error in the Yandex voice control of a particularly sensitive gas turbine, which has now stopped working because its feelings have been hurt. As a result, the natural gas required for paper production is not available.

The secession movement of class-conscious GDR citizens on the territory of the annexed GDR “Ernst Thälmann” called on all patriotic forces in the GDR to mock and mob the Federal Republic of Germany with resounding derisive laughter. The FRG has now overtaken the GDR in all areas, especially in the area of toilet paper shortage, something the GDR never achieved in its 40 years until annexation, despite the Comecon high-technology embargo.

According to reliable sources, GDR toilet paper based on GDR recipes is of superior quality, is very tear-resistant and very economical. A single piece of GDR toilet paper is enough to wipe an entire bottom. Not so with Wessy toilet paper (West German people are called Wessies). With Wessi toilet paper, you always have to tear off a long piece and fold it several times, otherwise it tears, and then you suddenly have a nice, brown Nutella finger. Whoever visits the Federal Republic for the first time knows this shït. Due to the necessity of folding, a roll of Wessi toilet paper is used up after just a few sessions. Wessi toilet paper also has less grip, so that you have to wipe your ass longer and poopify more of the precious hygiene item. With a pack of GDR toilet paper, on the other hand, you can easily survive a catastrophic winter.

Take a shower?[edit | edit source]

Theoretically, you can rinse your butt instead of wiping it. This is still done today by the indigenous people of Papua New Guinea. But the water supply requires a functioning natural gas infrastructure.

According to an article in the Welt magazine, Robert Habeck showers much less frequently and much less thoroughly than before. Similar to the capacity of Nord Stream 1, his personal hygiene is down to 20 percent. This way he tries to save some valuable Putin gas, but meanwhile Habeck himself smells as if he got some metric tons of natural gas farted in his face. Since he poses a health hazard to the other members of the Bundestag, he has to sit in the visitor grandstand, next to neo nazi Corona denier Alice Weidel. But that’s okay, it’s quite cozy in her arms. Up there he also represents a danger, e.g. for interested citizens, school children etc., but these civilians are dispensable and replaceable. Not of any value. Due to the lack of toilet paper, Habeck developed large, suppurating infections that make his anal hygiene even more war aggravatingly difficult. He's got two ingrown turds clinging to his shaggy, poopy pup, slowly eating into the raw, aching flesh. While in the Dark Ages it was still considered a method of torture to let someone die in their own feces, from Habeck's perspective this is the new normal, the first civic duty of German citizens, even in the annexed GDR. According to the latest findings from the CIA and the Google corporation, Habeck has now contracted Covid19 from Weidel. In return, Weidel contracted scabies.

Habeck's buddy, Emetics Olaf, apparently doesn't think much of the savings efforts. According to an article by the Microsoft Network, he showers every day and lets the soothing water splash over his hot body. However, providing and heating the shower water wastes a lot of valuable Putin gas. Valuable Putin gas that Germany simply doesn't have at the moment. However, Emetics Olaf plans to pass around the emetics canister among his people, abiding the motto: Who barfeth the most, shyteth the lest.

Rectal circumcision, also called mulesing, is also suitable for improving anal hygiene and could become mandatory before the onset of winter. The mulesing procedure involves cutting away huge pieces of skin from the buttocks, e.g. using garden shears or roasting shears. The scarring process tightens and smoothes the entire anal area. The manshredding robot has agreed to test the process on a few handpicked politician assholes.