UnNews:Titty-twisting celebrity arrested in Disney World
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
16 January 2012
ORLANDO, Florida -- Paul Reubens, better known as Pee Wee Herman, wanted in connection with a spate of titty-twisting around Disney World’s Fantasyland, has finally been apprehended in Tomorrowland, authorities said.
Felix Cajonies, a system operator at Joe’s Bar & Grill in Tampa - who had no idea what we were talking about - suggested that we direct our queries to someone in authority, like Walt Disney himself. Jeez! The fool didn’t even know that Disney is just a make-believe character.
Security pimps in the Park had long suspected Herman of allegedly twisting the nipples of washed up hos, but lacked hard evidence. Reacting to numerous complaints, guards set up a task force to find and stop the serial twister responsible. In each case, the suspect would distract his victim before twisting their nipples.
In one incident, officers responded to a report of a woman who suffered two small wrinkles on her blouse at Fantasyland on July 25.
The 49-year-old victim was soliciting single male tourists when she noticed a little man who pointed up and said, “Look! Gullible is written on the ceiling!” And when she looked, police said, she abruptly felt a twinge of passion and sensed that both of her nipples were twisted. But the man had vanished. A short time later she discovered her blouse had been smudged and her nipples tingled.
In another case police said one 52 year-old shemale was offering to perform oral man-ipulations inside a public toilet near the Tea Cup and Saucer ride on June 8 when she-he felt a twist on her-his nipples.
Similar to other reports, the victim turned around, saw a height-challenged man who told her-him, “Look up! It says gullible!” And upon looking up she-he felt tickled, police said. As usual, the tiny man disappeared. When the tranny looked in a toilet mirror, she-he discovered slight smudges and tiny wrinkles on her-his blouse.
Thus far Herman, who is being held by park authorities, has steadfastly refused to speak with Unnews repeaters until the rest of the media shows up. But he did distribute a statement that read, in part, “There's a lotta things about me you don't know anything about. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand!”
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Staff "Man suspected in Virginia butt slashings arrested in Peru" CNN, January 16, 2012