UnNews:Three letter acronynms lead to AIDS, doctors caution

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

29 April 2008

that sure was a FUN night wasn't it laddie

Africa, Graveyard Doctors sought to adjust their own credentials en mass upon the release of the long awaited international study on what specifically causes AIDS. It has been revealed by the Oracle at Delphi during a major consultation by Oscar Wilde and his extensive worldwide harem that all three letter acronyms (otherwise known as TLAs) slowly, insidiously, like the creeps themselves, lead to AIDS. One white faced doctor, clearly in shock or the advanced stages of AIDS, was seen denying that he ever had a thing called a "GPA" or a "PHD" or used a thing called a "CPU" while sobbing and digging his own grave "CAT scan... it was for my cat ok, that's all, just a big thing for a cat, please, let me live..."

Major rebranding of all unfortunately titled consumer goods led to a brief renaissance in the graphic design industry. On the NYSE, barrels of graphic designers surpassed barrels of pure gold today for the first time, reaching 5 tablespoons of oil per barrel of graphic designer fetuses.

Anxious people looking to fill some kind of void in their life can find everlasting solace in the knowledge that all evil comes in threes. Avoid all threes, such as cerberus the hound of hell, three-pronged forks such as tridents and activities with trios, such as singing barbershop quartet without one member present and especially unprotected sex with two other people you have not discussed birth control or sexual history with. Three or more of these encounters, even in government sanctioned swingers clubs, will lead to the unstoppable sequence of events leading to full-blown AIDS, which is when you realize right in the middle of a blowjob that you are definitely going to die from some kind of sexual disease.

It is recommended by the panel of all that is right, true and rational to stop having fun, immediately, and forevermore. Furthermore, it's cloning from now on, plus mandatory screening of your genetic makeup to ensure that you have no traits that could be similar to Elmo, another evil that is battled for us on our behalf by our benevolent world government.

Unfortunately, obtaining enough Delta-V to slingshot the earth to the nearest AIDS-free sector of the galaxy takes much longer than seven years, which means that everybody will still die of AIDS.

Sources

• Satan "Secret government this and that" Your Grandmother's Diary, 1984