UnNews:Terrorists Invent New Extreme Sport
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
29 January 2012
Persian Gulf, Iran -- The recent news of Mosab Hassan (the Palestinian destined to be a suicide bomber, but who became a surfer instead) has sparked debate in the Middle East. The terrorists don't know whether or not to suicide bomb and kill lots of people, to get their 72 virgins; or to have fun surfing and get no virgins at all, but a used old prostitute with some STD or another. After months of heavy debate, they finally came up with a way to combine both suicide bombing and surfing. Missile Surfing.
Missile Surfing, they claim, is a "noble sport" which requires much mental and physical endurance. It also encourages the younger generations to join the organization when they play their ads on TV. "Missile Surfing is very fun," they tell UnNews, "You are going through the air at a very fast speed toward your target. It is needless to say that you will always die when you Missile Surf, but it's a great compromise. You have fun AND get 75 virgins!"
Now, you may be wondering, what are the rules? Well, the first thing you must do is grip with both hands to the head of a large missile that is aimed at the requested target. When they fire, hold on tight to the head of the missile, until you reach a certain speed where you don't need to hold on anymore, and stand up. Judges award you points based on skill, form, execution, and explosion. The points and prizes all go to the bomber's family. If the bomber does not have a family or is from the Suicide Hotline, the judges keep the prizes for themselves.
What does the military say about this? For one thing they are encouraging it. They see a boat that isn't theirs, watch it fire a missile with a man on it and they know for sure that it is a boat with terrorist activity. All they have to do is destroy the boat and the missile really fast, which will honestly isn't that hard if you've ever played C.O.D. If they have enough time, they can even jam the missile's signal and make it turn around back at the boat, saving both time and money that America could use to pay back the National Debt.
Al Qaeda and the Taliban have made this their official sport.
