UnNews:Take it easy with the kidnapping rumours already

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 June 2013

A "reporter" in the business of disparaging Our Church with his wild claims.

This is an official announcement by the Catholic Church (the one led by Pope Leroy of Chicago, not the wussy Roman one).

Lately, disturbing rumours have been circulating about our Church. If you have not been following the news, we apparently have to tell you what those rumours are about. Some evil reporters have been claiming that our Church has kidnapped the famous Canadian folk-rock singer, Neil Young. Now that's patent claptrap. Someone is only trying to disparage us in the eyes of other churches. Let me tell you why this accusation is totally inane.

First of all, we have no need for adult rock musicians who make their own music. We only need choir boys to sing hymns. I know what you are thinking, but stop thinking that.

Second, we do not handle our business by kidnapping people. If you haven't heard, the function of the church is mainly to help distressed people out. We do have vast tracts of land and a lot of other property too, and the salaries of our functionaries are sky high, but we still help people more than you might imagine. Maybe not as much as that dude Jesus told us to, but quite enough. We really do. You don't believe us? Come on - show some faith.

Third, even if we do have some kidnapped people in our possession, Neil Young definitely is not among them. If you want us to release a Canadian folk-rock-jazz singer/songwriter, we can give you Joni Mitchell. She has become a nuisance with her demands of freedom and all that shit.

Fourth, the idea that we are planning to explode the Sun is totally baseless. Why would we do that? We meant to kidnap Bob Dylan ask Robert Zimmerman to join us for totally different reasons. Nothing to do with the Sun at all. He also managed to escape declined our invitation, and that was when we did not kidnap Neil Young either.

Fifth - we don't even have a radiotelescope. We don't know where it is, and we don't even know what it is, and furthermore we have no earthly idea of how it could be used to blow up the Sun. Our ideas come from a higher source in any case.