UnNews:One of the new Popes plans to explode the Sun
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
20 March 2013
VATICAN, ROME, ITALY, EUROPE, EARTH --- The freshly elected Pope (who, to the best of our knowledge, is Pope Leroy, originally from Chicago) has taken up the gauntlet from where the previous Pope dropped it after having received a slap in the face from the scientific community. "You will see", His Holiness snickers, "you will see!" What will we see? Nothing much, apparently. His plan is to make the Sun explode.
| “ | The scientific community really went too far during the last days of my predecessor's reign. They had no right to start tampering with the divinely ordained order of the Solar System. Yes, divinely ordained. I'm well aware of the so-called natural laws - but those are divinely ordained. DIVINELY. ORDAINED. And - is this news to you? - I'm the man who keeps track of those things on this planet. Capisco? | ” |
His Holiness is, obviously, referring to the scientific community's plan of trying to attract asteroids to hit the Earth so that the effects of the Amphibian Pope's extra leap day would be nullified. When we asked His Holiness how exploding the Sun would make things any better, he just looked at us pityingly.
The situation is tense at the moment. If His Holiness somehow manages to explode the Sun, all life on Earth will be lost within the hour. The day side of the planet will be blast-fried in approximately 8 minutes after the explosion, and soon afterwards the night side will be blown away by a motherfucker of a storm. It will be awesome. We can hardly wait.