UnNews:Supreme Court declares global warming unconstitutional

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29 November 2006

For Global Hurricane §ǚρωξλ£μĦΦφ≈€ƏξßÐÆØΞ, the National Weather Service's Satellite Imaging section worked hard to create a warmer, more wholesome and cuddly, family-dinner, teddy-bear, nice-cup-of-tea-and-a-sit-down image for the previously somewhat unpopular whirling cyclone of violent death.

WASHINGTON DC, USSA (UNN) -- The Supreme Court of the United States has ruled that greenhouse gases violate the Eighteenth Amendment, in a case brought by the Democratinista Freedom Alliance against the Environmental Protectionism Authority.

The White House has spoken out against the ruling. "Carbon dioxide is our last defense against ~~communism~~ terrorism," President Bush said today. "The Clean Air Act is the most treasonous threat to Halliburton's security in history. The only way to deal with the ~~Soviet~~ ~~terrorist~~ Eye-raqi threat is to ensure we can close the Climate Gap with the Middle East, and develop our capacity to sustain the growth of our own desert lands while simultaneously causing them to overspend on their air-conditioning budget. I have a dream: a Death Valley from Florida to Alaska!"

Al Gore, US President-In-Exile, commented from his secret mountain base in Afghanistan, via a video cassette sent to the Al-BBCzeera network. "Our policy will be implemented using our core competency, a carbon tax-and-spend. We can introduce socialism to America by means of forcing the EPA to regulate the carbon trade, limiting what an individual can achieve so as to increase the common good. After that, we should be eligible to join the European Union and make Arabic the national language of the US."

Meanwhile, the National Weather Service has expanded its operations to allow a full-service all-year Atlantic Hurricane Season Plus, culminating in the vastly successful destruction of a hundred-mile-wide swath from No Orleans to Minnesota, with Tornado Alley being renamed the Tornado Superhighway. "We now run through the alphabet in a week or two, so we've been getting into Unicode names in a big way. And I gotta say, Global Hurricane §ǚρωξλ£μĦΦφ≈€ƏξßÐÆØΞ really did the business on Minneapolis and St. Paul."

Business was ambivalent on the issue. "American business can't compete if we have to spend our competitive energies thinking up new excuses. On the other hand, we have a nice deal on beachfront hotel construction in Vegas."