UnNews:Suicide now legal in the UK says MP

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

31 July 2009

Rue Bagot, Wavertree, Liverpool -- "Glenn Miller would have turned in his grave", spat Hettie Whitehouse from the 'Parents Insist the Sick Suffer' campaign. News had just come through that libertarian MP David Winnick, the Walsall North right-hander, had just put forward a motion decreeing a dispensation from prosecution for suicide violators. "It's a flaming liberty," continued the forward thinking Whitehouse, "If God had meant folk to kill themselves, he would have told Moses." (Dan Brown maintains that he actually did, but Moses' stone-tablet shorthand skill was found wanting and he quit at 10 commandments.)

UnNews put Whitehouse's views to the suicidal community.

Some Catholics believe that suicide gets you closer to God

Jason Rimmer, himself a self confessed habitual suicidalist was delighted at the news and a tad peeved with Hettie. "I checked the Bible and can confirm that there is no commandment forbidding self harm. I spent 6 months in Walton Nick once with no chance of a razor. It was hell. I wouldn't have done that if Moses had said no. Whitehouse needs to get real!" Rimmer has failed 19 times to take his own life. Only last week he rang Vinnie Jones and told him that he had just slept with his mum. "The prick sent me psychotherapy vouchers," complained the limp wristed left-hander.

"Fuck it, that's two failed attempts. No more left now."

The law, should it go through, will allow folk three attempts at suicide. If they still fail they will then have to suffer the humiliation of a Government funded 'Suicide - Let's Get It Right' course. The five week residential course, funded from Speed Camera revenues on the East Lancs Rd, aims to show failed suicidalists where they are going wrong.

Winnick's sanity and lack of spiritual taste has been questioned by none other than the infamous Crosby poet, Roger Van Gogh. "He doesn't understand the implications" wittered Van Gogh, "Just imagine all those suicidalists wandering the streets. Ralph McTell would have a field day!!!"

Winnick has previously campaigned strongly against an investigation into the Iraq massacre.

Famous failed suicidalists

• Elmo
• Hazel Blears
• Phil 'the Tufty' Taylor
• Achmed The Dead Terrorist

Sources

• Spinkus Spunkus "Darts history" Uncyclopedia, July 26th 2009

• Telegraph "Debbie Purdy Case" Daily Telegraph, July 31st 2009