UnNews:Stuff in my room
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Topeka, KANSAS - So I'm laying around on my mattress, see, bouncing it around every now and then but for the most part just laying there, maybe with the tv running listening to it talk about things, when I get a call from the UnNews front office, person named Simsilikesims. They start talking, doing that "Johnny, how are you old chap" thing. I thought they were a credit collector or some other kind of salesperson, and was about to hang up when I overhear them saying, "Back in March you said your next news report would be about stuff in your room, can you get around to it now, before the first of the year?" I chew on something as I answer 'Sure' and throw the phone down on its back, like a hooker I know named Lucy who doesn't do that for the cheap.
Stuff in my room. Is that what you guys want to read about? I'd think you'd be more interested in ghosts on Mars, or green onions, or what the Queen eats for midnight snack (worms...it's true!). But I'll just educate you on some of the stuff here, what I can see of it.
There's one of those slinky walking things, guy must have made some big bucks who figured out the exact torque on that contraption to make it move down a flight of stairs like a noisy rodent. This slinky has little spikes on it, tiny razors which are embedded in the metal with just enough size to not interfere with the walking movement but actually cuts the wooden stairs or the stairway carpet as it passes, leaving a message on each platform it momentarily rests on that, when read around the circle (have to crane your head a little to see the whole thing), says "Give me pizza, please". I made it myself.
The only other thing in my room that's worth a damn is a pair of dead hawks, birds I found mating one day and threw a stone. They kind of dried out, so I've glued them to the wall and put a frame around them. Still in the mating position, which I'd like to try someday. Then there's like a bed, a dresser, a tv on top this dresser, and something else, I forget what, hanging on the other wall, in a frame, kind of glued up there. Well, this is Johnny, your UnNews reporter, from Topeka, Kansas, giving you the low down on my room, what's worth talking about anyway. Next time I'll tells ya about Nostradamus, and about five percent of the population reads that as Nostrildamus, which must be a hoot to live like that.
