UnNews:Study shows most zombies seeking a healthier diet
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
25 February 2007
CAMBRIDGE, MA - A study released by Harvard University on Saturday shows that zombies are becoming one of the most health conscious minorities in the United States.
"We're living in a society where we're filling our rotten children with empty starch, and health decaying trans-fats." a rotting corpse said as she ate the brains of her neighbor, Mike Ringwald. "Thats not how I want to raise my children. We've now gone to a healthier diet of organic, fat free brains. We've been avoiding the Salvation Army, and the Welfare Office. Really, anywhere you find the living wearing large dirty sweatpants."
Some zombies are critical of brain-related studies, referring to their health-conscious counterparts as "health-nazis" and "traitors of the brain." The reanimated corpse of Percy Lorenz told our reporter, "What ever happened to traditionalism? At the end of the day, a brain is a brain... we don't need these yuppie fascists telling us what to do. I was eating brains before most of them were even a helpless victim in their dead attacker's rotting death-stench mouth!" While health studies are not fully conclusive, there is a general consensus in the scientific community that moving to brains with less trans-fats, and less carbohydrates is a healthier way to live in a state of reanimation.
There is already talk of a number of cemeteries passing anti trans-fat legislation, and while it has gained notable support, its believed that few cemeteries will actually pass these bills. "Its what the foundations of this great nation are all about" the decaying corpse of Uncle Jenkins said. "The freedom to eat whatever brains you please."
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- Francisco Zappa "We all live in zombie woof!" Barking Pumpkin Records, a little while ago