Cemetery

Don't be alarmed if you hear the sound of footsteps trailing behind you, that's just a Cambodian family getting ready to blast Celin Dion at an inappropriately high volume...

A cemetery or graveyard is short or long-term storage area for the rotting carcasses of our loved ones, enemies, and the masses of people we've never heard of who burden society by dying in huge numbers each and every day. Contrary to popular belief, the dead don't fly off to Heaven or get burned by divine fire—they simply remain closed up in there. A cemetery can be distinguished from other dead people storage methods by their tendency to attract the living. A well-kept cemetery makes for a better, more dignified resting place for Grandma than a ditch covered in quicklime—or at least, that's what Big Cemetery wants you to think.

A cemetery will typically have plots in which the dead are buried. Flowers or libations of malt liquor can be placed on the plots of loved ones, or you can piss on the tombstones of your enemies, and even dance on their graves. Still, the dead cannot hear your attempts to humiliate them, and however much the dead once hurt you while still living, the dead remain free forever from the consequences of their actions. The dead only live within the living. It is proper then, to achieve immortality by hurting as many people as possible, and consequently, it is far better to piss on your enemies and dance on top of them while they are alive.

Process

The groundskeeper is often tasked with convincing the dead to stay buried

In its most common form, the addition of a newly non-breathing human to an existing graveyard involves the following steps: stuffing, packaging, hole-digging, tossing, and filling-in.

Stuffing

Dead people have a mean-spirited tendency to smell bad. In order to limit malicious pranks, it's advisable to take out the icky stuff and replace it with things that don't rot. Normally, embalming fluid is used, but that's just a fancy name for moonshine.

In a pinch, the amateur embalmer can use a variety of other substances:

• Hay
• Asphalt
• Maladjusted longhorn beetles
• Quick-drying concrete
• Worcestershire sauce

Packaging

The now-embalmed former person is usually packaged before being kicked into a hole. While common packaging is wood and/or steel, cellophane works well too and is much sexier. Should the deceased subsequently be dug up, removing the cellophane is like opening a Christmas present.

Hole-digging

Dying is recommended when being buried, although not strictly necessary

Gravedigging is more art than science

While the earliest graveyards involved throwing dead folks over a wall to decompose peacefully in haphazard piles as they lay, our modern civilized process involves digging holes. The holes should be expansive to ensure proper accommodation of the deceased. Nothing offends visitors to the grave like arms or legs sticking up through the earth.

Tossing

A number of techniques can be used to shift the dead into their new abodes. The author prefers the "birthday bumps", but the straight (if boring) toss will certainly get the job done.

Ceremony

It's common to have a religious figure say a few words at this time. We suggest yelling, "White rabbit! White rabbit!" However, if you wish to be more respectful of the deceased's religion (or lack thereof), you may choose to substitute a more neutral phrase such as "yellow pages", said only once and without the exclamatory tone.

It's also customary to make a speech to highlight the tremendous deeds of the recently deceased. This moment, often filled with emotion, can be accompanied with music that reflects how the one being disposed of did live his life. For example, if a person wishes to make a mockery of a sacred ritual and bring dishonor to his friends and loved ones, they can have "Another One Bites the Dust" by Queen play at their funeral, to signal their rascally irreverence and overall smarminess.

Filling-in

A key step in the overall burial process is the filling-in. Having a bunch of open holes in your graveyard is simply inviting a lawsuit from a visitor who falls into one and has a close encounter of the dead kind.

Alternatives

Another satisfied customer!

Storage Lockers

Moonshine can substitute for embalming fluid in a pinch, and the bottle can be used to store the brains and eyes if preparing the dead the Egyptian way

A rapidly growing industry involves renting a high-capacity storage locker and then subletting it to the families of the dead. As Public Storage™ promises, "We have everything you need to store anything you've got."

Mausoleums

Mausoleums are buildings the size of small bungalows where the dead can be "buried" above ground. Fancier than a storage locker – and more expensive (they cost about as much as a Toronto condominium)—they also allow you to store some of the junk the dead person accumulated during life.

Cremation

Commonly known as the "lazy man's solution", cremation involves soaking the dead in a highly flammable substance and then igniting it with a match, flamethrower, or hand grenade. Ashes are then collected and stuck in a bottle.

Cannibalism

Consumption of the deceased is a time-honoured alternative to graveyards. It comes with the added benefit of allowing you to absorb the strength and positive qualities and possibly even the soul of the dead. Not recommended after embalming. Or for small children. Or big babies.

If you can't face consuming your departed loved one yourself—perhaps you're vegetarian or they're too spicy—you can simply leave the deceased on the side of a road. It's unknown whether cannibalism results from derangement or if it's just a natural expression of the animal inside us.

See also

• Death
• Grim reaper
• Halloween