UnNews:Study says force "strong with this one"
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
4 February 2009
Albuquerque, NM -- A study released today by the University of New Mexico confirms amateur observations of a mysterious "force" in a local boy. Eleven-year-old Lucas Cielo has recently been observed by Albuquerque residents apparently opening mailboxes with his mind, shorting out worthless consumer electronics, and running the length of a football field in less than 12 parsecs.
"Seen this force before, I have," said Dr. Francis Ozmund, a Romanian national and leader of the study, "but strong in this one, the force is." The team of scientists tested Cielo for twelve weeks with a series of experiments to determine the extent of this force. These included small movable objects, extra-sensory vision, and dog whispering. "Cesar Millan, he is not," concluded Dr. Ozmund, "but a remarkable boy he is, nonetheless."
Bizarrely, Cielo's skills are somewhat random in their effect: he can, for example, move any piece of cutlery, but not sporks; he can correctly predict lottery numbers for any draw worldwide, but only for the months of March and September in 1988. "Not yet complete, his skills are," explained Dr. Ozmund. Robert Fetta, Ozmund's racist but ultimately more coherent assistant, explained offhandedly that Cielo "must complete his training... Once that thing's fully operational, he'll be more powerful than you can possibly imagine."
The child prodigy himself seems unconcerned by the attention he has received. Interviewed at his home, Lucas Cielo was at ease and relaxed, his non sequitur-laiden speech revealing a healthily active imagination. "I used to bullseye womprats," Cielo yelled as he ran around the garden repeatedly running into fences, shrubberies and other fixed objects. "Don't get cocky," his mother Marisa yelled from the kitchen window. "My father is truly dead," Cielo replied, apparently at random. A happy boy indeed.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Francis Ozmund et al. "It's a trap!" Force Quarterly, February 4, 2009