UnNews:Study: Frogs think in Japanese

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4 March 2007

Frogs are composed of a variety of parts with lines going to them.

TOEYKOYO, Nippon -- - Researchers at the world-famous Laboratory for Studying Shit and BBQ Grill announced Sunday that frogs actually think in Japanese, dispelling the old myth that frogs think in their own language of Frogtish.

The discovery is the culmination of several hundred years of study, first accomplished by cutting up the brains of frogs to find out where words were stored, and later using sophisticated CAT scans to determine the exact location where words are stored, along with what words are actually stored.

"It was a bit of a surprise to find out that all frogs think in Japanese," said research chairman, Lynn Bornigh. "I would have thought that since most frogs come from Africa, they would naturally think in one of the African languages, but I was sure wrong about that one. It just goes to show sometimes you how you can be so sure of something, only to have the facts come right back and bite you in the ass. I remember once I was taking a test in biology about frogs, and there was a question about how long frogs lived, and I thought for sure that frogs probably lived several hundred years, since they get a lot of fresh air and exercise, and don't eat a lot of fatty foods, unless you count flies, which are surprisingly fattening. Anyway, as it turns out, frogs only live about 5 hours as adults, which gives them just enough time to lay eggs and fertilize them and swim into some secluded part of the lake and slowly die, wondering to whatever god frogs pray to just what the purpose of life was. After all, it just can't be to procreate, can it? That's a pretty unambitious goal. Anyway, I doubt that they heard an answer back from the human God, because they may have been praying in Japanese all this time, and everybody knows that the Japanese are not mentioned in the Bible at all, so they probably only exist as a figment of somebody's imagination."

Recent attempts to communicate with frogs using such languages as Welsh, Bascque, Humunculus, and Cheddar have been completely fruitless, since frogs not only think in Japanese, but don't know how to translate those thoughts into spoken or written language to supply an adequate response.

"I hope this teaches little children a lesson," said Bornigh. "Because little children are in many ways dumber than frogs, and need to be told pretty much everything, because they're so damned stupid."