UnNews:Studies show that 10 out of 9 people can't use a number line

Tuesday, October 15, 2024

The object of criticism.

CAMBRIDGE, MASSACHUSETTS - Although it might seem farfetched, scientists from Harvard University have come back with alarming results that 10 out of 9 Americans can't use a number line.

"It's very shocking!", head scientist Fred Sauber told us. "You would think that something that is basically kindergarten level would be as easy as 1, 3, 2."

We interviewed some Bostonian locals to gauge their opinion on the appalling breakthrough.

"You for real?", one local said. "I thought I knew how to count? They didn't call me "Calculator" in the fourth grade for nothing! Then later, in 2nd grade they called me "Number Cruncher". I was the smartest kid in class. Yeah, the special education class, what's wrong with that?"

Some were quick to try to disprove it, challenging our news company to give them basic addition problems. In the second image below is the amount of people who got it wrong (orange). In blue is the amount of people who got it right. As you can see, the study was proved true. Or maybe this is actually because we live in Boston. I don't really care, I'm so burnt out right now and haven't been interested in this job since '97. I got this job when, in '05?

All the people who got it right were actually just homeless people on drugs we found on the next block. So drug addiction makes you smart after all!