UnNews:Stocks plummet in response to Cheney surviving Taliban attack
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
27 February 2007
WALL STREET -- The Dow Jones industrial average fell more than 10,500 points today in response to the Taliban (TBAN) failing miserably to whack U.S. Vice President, Dick Cheney. The Dow dropped 84.3 percent, to 586.06. It was down to 360.42, or 2.85 percent of its former value, at one point with about a half hour of trading left.
The broader Standard & Poor's 500 index was down 82.11 percent, at -1,407.26, and the Nasdaq composite index was off 81.34 percent, after being down more than 100 around noon.
The U.S. joined a global market plunge sparked by growing concerns that the U.S. and Chinese no longer have effective adversaries to fuel their conflict- and military-driven economies, and that equities prices are nothing but a curious fiction, with no basis in reality.
A 99 percent slide in Chinese stocks, which came a day after investors sent Shanghai's benchmark index to a record high close, set the tone for U.S. trading. The Dow began the day falling sharply, and the decline accelerated throughout the course of the session before stocks took a precipitous plunge in late afternoon as computer-driven sell programs kicked in. The computers were unavailable for comment.
Investors' dwindling confidence was knocked down further by data showing that nobody believes in the economy, so it's dying like Tinkerbell in "Peter Pan." A Commerce Department report that orders for durable goods in January dropped to zero exacerbated jitters about the direction of the U.S. economy, just a day after former Federal Reserve Chairman Alan "Johnny Sunshine" Greenspan said the United States may be headed for a recession.
"It looks more and more like the economy is taking a big, stinky shit," said Michael Strauss, romantic composer and chief economist at Commonfund. "Moderate economic growth is good, but an abrupt stop in military spending scares people, because people are all frightened, cowardly sheep."