UnNews:Steven Tyler rejoins Aerosmith
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
28 February 2010
Rehabilitation a success, Tyler rejoins Aerosmith[edit | edit source]
Steven Tyler announced Thursday that after long negotiations with the band, that he will be rejoining Aerosmith as the frontman and lead singer. Tyler has been in rehab since December of last year after falling off a stage and critically injuring himself in August. Tyler and band members posted a video to their website announcing the news. Tyler jokingly stated that he "auditioned and got the gig... so fuck off and WALK the other WAY, 'cuz I'm BACK IN THE SADDLE AGAIN! We are ready to ROCK YOUR WORLD!".
Crazy drunken dancing, fall from fame , rehab, drugs, more rehab, even more drugs...[edit | edit source]
After his hilarious, yet very painful fall from a stage in early August of last year, Steven Tyler has been enduring months of pain from surgeries. According to reports from North Dakota News reporters, Tyler "danced" drunkenly off the stage and into a pile of his used heroin needles (predicted to be over 300 in the pile, Katie Couric stated in a recent interview), ultimately puncturing him in the areas listed. Tyler was rushed to the hospital while Joe Perry attempted to finish the show. Fans in the audience became outraged, and began filing onto the stage demanding Tyler. Perry, (being the brother of Tyler Perry) used his guitar, in the same way Madea would use her purse, against the audience. It didn't take long for the audience to overcome Perry, in which he and the rest of the band (whom shall remain unknown, seriously) were brutally beaten.
Tyler received facial lacerations in the fall, one particularly deep one across his mouth, which caused excessive amounts of blubber to spill from his lips, leaving him weak. We all know his power comes from his lips. Tyler also received less severe injuries to his back, neck, head, shoulder, and scrotum. Tyler went under surgery immediately upon reaching the hospital. Tyler came through all surgeries okay, even after a metal rod was placed in his back and neck, a metal plate put into his head and shoulder, and a "strap-on" duct taped to the area where his scrotum once was. Tyler left the hospital the next day, rushing by Wal-Mart to get his 50 subscriptions for various pain killers filled.
The next month seen a cancellation of all Aerosmith concerts. The other band members were outraged at Tyler, calling him a "faggot ass bitch". Perry sent Tyler many get well cards, only to receive a picture of Tyler having sex with Perry's wife in return. Communications between the band and Tyler ceased after Tyler stopped answering his phone and wasn't seen in public. It had been reported that he had run off to start a new life, but this was soon proved wrong when Tyler showed up at a gay karaoke bar, reportedly drunk, high, and acting "schizophrenic". He hopped up on stage in this bar and began singing an acapella rendition of "Back in the Saddle". This song made the homosexual bar customers increasingly horny, and many began to perform anal and oral in the bar while he sang. Tyler passed out. When he woke up the next morning, he was naked, with his clothes no where in sight, lying in front of Joe Perry's home. Tyler quickly masturbated into Perry's mailbox, and then hitched a cab back to his home, where feds were waiting to take him to rehab.
Meanwhile, the rest of the band held auditions for a new lead singer, even going as far as calling Lenny Kravitz. Lenny Kravitz denied, stating that he "didn't want to get caught up with a bunch of stoned-ass cunts like Aerosmith." Perry started making plans for a reality show formatted to find the new lead singer; the accurately titled "Aerosmith Idol" was scheduled to air in June 2010 until plans were scrapped due to cost. Madonna showed interest for a while in becoming the new lead singer, but change her mind after actually listening to Aerosmith's music.
Tyler was not cut out for rehab, and quickly found a way to piss off everybody that worked at the rehabilitation clinic he was in. Tyler, who is known for his naked lounging, constantly roamed the building in his birthday suit. Nurses reported that he once came into the lunchroom naked, fondling himself. He called his penis "the microphone" and "sang into it". Tyler eventually snapped, and realized he had to get the fuck out of rehab and start recording songs and singing and doing drugs again.
After a couple more months of heroin withdrawal and getting clean, Tyler escaped rehab and went back to his home. At his home, his band mates were awaiting his arrival with a party. The party had a huge impact on Tyler -- the hooker at the party got Tyler back into sex, and Perry reintroduced Tyler to "Mr. Needle and Mr. Spoon".
Aftermath[edit | edit source]
The band has announced an upcoming "Cocked, Locked, and Ready To Drop" tour for Europe coming this year. Tyler and Perry are back in the studio with the band, recording new tracks and rerecording old hits, for their upcoming album, "Keep In Touch... With My Penis". Tyler stated, "It's good to be back in the studio on drugs and rockin' and rollin' again. And the sex is good, too."
The new album is set to hit stores whenever they can get Steven Tyler off the floor and awake long enough to finish recording the album. So, in other words, you'll have to wait until a bootlegger comes along and bootlegs the album.