UnNews:Starbucks proceeding with world domination plans using 2 KW-laser

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

26 March 2007

“Actually I prefer a double espresso, no sugar”

~ Oscar Wilde on the Laser-Made Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice

SEATTLE, Washington D. C. -- The economic meltdown of South America was not sufficient for the power-hungry, incredibly wealthy Starbucks Coffee and World Domination, Inc., an international corporation geared towards coffee making, world domination practices and TV shows. Last week, one more horrid invention came out of the Starbucks Labs: the 2 kilowatt laser-based espresso maker.

The laser-based espresso maker will allow the evil corporation offer the upgraded version of its previous continent-busting beverage, the Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice. Some moments before their strange and unnatural deaths, insiders told UnNews that the new offering would be known to the world as Laser-Made Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice.

The brave UnNews reporters were able to retrieve the following video, proof of our approaching doom:

The scientists consulted by UnNews had never seen such a powerful laser used to brew a variety of Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice. Initial analysis couldn't be done because the simulations melted the supercomputer used to run them, and further work was halted due to the strange and unnatural deaths of the scientists.

As of now, there wasn't any official announcement from the evil corporation.

We can only hope that this planet-busting beverage doesn't have its power increased by adding prisms and mirrors. Worse than these mass-destruction accessories, only a cherry on top.

Sources

• "Two-killowatt laser heats coffee, wows onlookers" Engadget, March 25th, 2007

• "Make your coffee with a laser" Hack a day, March 24th, 2007