UnNews:Star Wars: 3D and beyond

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

10 October 2010

"Not sure in 3D, less stupid I'll look", to our reporter Yoda said.

LOS ANGELES, California -- This time it’s official: the Star Wars saga will be released in a brand new 3D version in 2012. George Lucas’ fans and bankers are ecstatic about this expected news which will give a new boost to a franchise that seemed overtired after the disappointing episodes I, II and III, however still available in cassettes VHS, DVD, Laserdiscs, Video CD and Blu-ray in every store and internet website near your home in every country including U.S.S.R.

This is a new level in the world-acclaimed opportunism of George Lucas who manages once again to make big money with 30-year old movies, investing the least amount of effort possible. And it’s only the beginning. The 3D version of Star Wars is just a step in a slow process that should allow the fans to spend between 100 and 200 dollars every year to watch movies which they already know the plot in detail (And then on DVD, and so forth, and so on,).

Thus, in 2014, the saga will be released for the first time in a black & white version. Indeed, when it was released into theaters in 1977, Star Wars had unfortunately taken advantage of color. But this flaw is soon to be fixed. Note that only the last three episodes (released as the first three) will be out in black & white in 2014. Fans will have to wait until 2021 to watch the other three episodes (also called the second first three, the prequel or the crappy ones). But that doesn’t mean that viewers will be lacking in more opportunities to break their piggy banks to fill the producers’ pockets. In 2016, George Lucas has promised that the original trilogy will be aired for the very first time in its silent version. This idea relies on the premise of the story itself that announces the action takes place “a very long time ago in a galaxy far away”. And “a long time ago”, movies were silent so it’s kind of a tribute and a way to avoid the pitfalls of anachronisms.

But beware; despite this “back to the past” concept, George Lucas is above all a technology addict. So for 2019, he announced that the 2014 black & white version of Star Wars will be released in a colorized version. The following year, the silent release will come out with brand new audio tracks (mono in 2015, stereo in 2017, Dolby Digital 5.1 in 2023, with a special THX compliant quality edition in June of each year). Nevertheless, the big event will occur in 2027. For the 50th anniversary of the 1st movie, there will be a very special release of the silent black & white Star Wars saga, colorized and with sound! It’s rumored that this version will include an extra scene of 1 sec length in which fans could hear a laser beam making a DZIIIING sound. Although we’re not sure if this scene will be embedded in the theatrical movie or will be part of the Blu-ray-or-whatever-will-replace-it version of the movie due to 2029.

In 2032, George Lucas will push the limits of his “back to the past” concept, releasing all 6 episodes in a single movie totally black and mute, in tribute to days when cinema didn’t even exist. There is possibility of an extended edition release of the black and mute version with 3 hours of previously deleted scenes. However, being a man of suspense, George Lucas has refused to confirm that the black and mute Star Wars will eventually come later in the century in silent black & white, silent colorized, sounded black & white and sounded colorized versions. ”These are only conjectures, we will do what the fans and bankroll management requires”, he said.

In this regard, George Lucas has denied any rumors implying that he neglected the fans. The best proof of the assertion is that in 2043, a special edition of Star Wars will be released in sign language for the benefit of all the early fans that became deaf and bedridden with time. Thank you for thinking of them Mr. Lucas.

Sources

• "George Lucas to release Star Wars in 3D" BBC, September 29, 2010