UnNews:Shipwrecked teen arouses rescuers

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16 June 2010

The quick-thinking teen hoisted code flags that spelled out CUM AND SAVE ME.

INDIAN OCEAN -- The 16-year-old girl who tried to sail around the world still hopes to complete her quest, saying she never knew the world contained so many helpful people.

Young Abby Winters' small sailboat, Perky Globes, encountered stiff winds in a remote part of the Indian Ocean, which broke the vessel's mast, disabling it. The teen-aged mariner broadcast her plight by marine radio. She also Tweeted the universally recognized distress message, OMG mast broken LULZ!!1!

Fortunately, the Valley Girl's notorious, around-the-world quest has its own web site, where visitors can view the journey by web-cam. In the interest of clarity, the web site, 16YearOldVirginOnBoardAlone.org, is prominently advertised on the sails.

Promptly, a flotilla of pirate vessels, based in Somalia, raced to the youngster's rescue. Various unaffiliated privateers, who were conducting maneuvers nearby, also sped to volunteer their assistance. In addition, the United Nations sent a rescue ship--though, after reports of staffers' treatment of female subordinates, it's lucky that the other vessels arrived first.

Ms. Winters says "I'm only disappointed that I didn't go all the way." The world record for youngest sailor to circumnavigate the globe alone remains in the hands of 16-year-old Jessica Watson of Australia. But a class of a dozen nine-year-olds at the Joe Biden Montessori School in Newton, Massachusetts are practicing their seamanship in order to take the world record. Joe Wurzelbacher, a "helicopter" father of one of the tykes, said, "We'll be famous, perhaps for months!"