UnNews:Serial toilet arsonist at large

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

21 March 2009

Until the arsonist is caught, no toilet is safe, anymore.

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- A US firm is offering $5,000 (£987,678,450) for clues leading to the arrest of the arsonist-terrorist who has been setting toilets on fire across San Francisco.

The Clorox Company is also offering a year's supply of toilet cleaning products in exchange for such tips, although they seem to have given off the impression that finding this toilet torturer is a contest. Clorox has assured the public that this is not the case.

More than thirteen dozen toilets in San Francisco homes have been set on fire and/or blown up in the city in recent months, the Associated Press reports. But, then again, they are lying bastards, unlike us, here at UnNews.

The cost of the damage has been estimated at $50,000 (£2).

The Clorox Company is sending out a team to advertise its offer to locals. Once again, Clorox firmly states that this is not a contest.

The patrol service keeping the intact toilets safe is "a crappy job, but somebody's got to do it", gravely quoted a company spokesman.

Little is known about the heartless, toilet-hating terrorist responsible for these crimes against all plumbing. Many have been implicated, but so far, the police have only one picture of the terrorist (right).

From what the police have found out, the terrorist's name is Terry "Constipator" Krist, age 25. His motives for purposefully burning toilets are unknown.

The families of the burninated potties are traumatized and wracked with grief.

"He was such a lovely little toilet," Jane Fuller, owner of one of Terry's victims, woefully told our reporters, "He had a lovely little *flush* and never cared about what he was swallowing. Then, one day, I came in to the bathroom to take a dump and, there he was, burning! It was awful! I had to go to the police station, file a report, and give a statement before they'd let me use their toilet!"

Remember, if you can do anything to help bring Terry to justice, call 1-800-459-1187. You WON'T be anonymous.

Source

• "Toilet terrorist attacks San Francisco" BBC News, March 21, 2009