UnNews:Second night of football team bash continues to rock

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20 September 2006

The amount of cheerleaders one may fit in a limosine when drunk continues to increase, sources close to the Varsity football team report.

POMONA, California -- Frat boys, high school students, and UnNews reporters have bashed for a second night in the American Hot Rod capital, Pomona, amid calls for weird Mormon kid Jim Gardner to ball up and have a beer. Drunk cheerleaders used tears against a group of jocks who refused to have sex with them. No-one was reported injured in the festivities, which followed some the birthday of the captain of the football team's lame kid brother. The party was started by a couple of thirteen-year-olds, but quickly expanded to include all young hooligans in the greater Pomona area.

Earlier, Pomona High School SBO President Sean Gargame approved a declaration condemning the previous night's partying, but it appears to have had no effect, as only 5 per cent of PHS students managed to even show up. The edict also called on students to be modest in alcohol consumption and preserve "enough sexy sophomore chicks for me to get some virgin action."

Joe Fredrickson, captain of the football team, said the orgiastic rituals, in which dozens of people got stoned and/or had some action, were Pomona's "craziest and most alcoholic night" since the end of the Sixties in 1969. He has promised to increase the insanity of the bacchanalia tenfold by tomorrow. Mr Fredrickson has made a series of comments to his girlfriends declaring his intention to stay on as a "Super-Senior" on the football team in 2008 and continue the party until the game at 7:00 on Friday.

His own Senior buddies, and the JV dweebs on the regional championship team, have so far stood behind him. But their loyalty may be tested with the outcome of Friday's game and whether or not they get laid, says an UnNews correspondent who wishes to remain anonymous. The Varsity team and their JV allies are beginning to trail the Geek opposition party "World of Warcraft" in polls conducted by Ms Haywire's sixth-period journalism class.