UnNews:Schumacher crashes after insisting on driving home

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

17 June 2014

Medical experts have warned fans that Michael is more retarded now than he used to be.

Racing legend Michael Schumacher woke up from his induced coma today - but tragedy struck after he insisted on driving himself home, and immediately crashed again.

The German star, who had been in the coma since having a skiing accident in December, told family members that he was OK to drive himself home in his Formula 1 Ferrari car. Although his doctor warned the family that Michael's reflexes were still stuck at "tortoise level", they reluctantly agreed.

"He really revved the engine," said one witness. "Everyone cheered. Then he just drove the thing straight across the road into the building opposite."

A local youth, Thomas Mueller, promptly helped the stricken Schumacher out of the car, before stealing it and driving away. He later wrote on his Facebook wall that he was "the happiest boy in all the land".

Back at the hospital, doctors warned that Schumacher was "at a critical point in his recovery... again". Chief Surgeon Annika Hamman explained, "Cutting Michael's head open and looking at his brain again was really unpleasant - like having to rip open a pocket you have just stitched up. We had worked on his noggin for 6 months, and he just went straight out and bashed it all up again.

"We have induced another coma. Fuck knows what he will be like when he comes out of this one. Probably like that bit in Man with Two Brains when Steve Martin goes pfffft."

Sources

• Leverage, "Schumacher miraculously wakes from coma" Daily Post, June 17, 2014