UnNews:Runners used explosion as excuse not to finish marathon
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
16 April 2013
Hundreds of exhausted runners in the Boston Marathon have been accused of using the terrorist attack that left three people dead as an excuse not to finish the gruelling twenty six mile race.
Race organizer Tony Slattery said, "The bomb went off about 4 hours in, when all the decent 10-minute milers were finishing up, but there were still plenty of people nowhere near finishing, and I saw a lot of them just stop where they were."
"They were blaming it on the bombs and stuff, but I think they were just quitters."
One confirmed quitter is David Marley, a 43-year-old bank clerk from Maine. He was filmed on an iPhone, grinding to a halt around mile 20, and gasping the words, "Thank God," when news of the explosions filtered back along the course.
A female runner, aged 26, from New Haven, gave UnNews an interview on condition that we preserved her anonymity. We thought about going back on our word, but she was very persuasive. Anyway, she told us, "Have you ever run a marathon? It's fucking long. I thought I was gonna like, shit, throw up and have a heart attack all at once. For about an hour. I'm not saying that I was happy when I heard there'd been a terrorist attack, but I had been wishing death on myself and everyone around me for some time at that point."
Others are not so forgiving. James Temple, a businessman from Boston, tweeted us, saying, "Dick from my office ran that marathon, and all I can say is, he better have proof he ran the whole damn race. I am not paying $1 a mile to some stupid cancer charity only to find out he went for a Starbucks when the going got tough."