UnNews:Rudolph Hideously Trampled In Last Minute Rush to Get Wii

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer was severely injured today as he stood outside a Best Buy, hoping to get a Nintendo Wii. The incident is already being called a Christmas Tragedy.

Holy Shit Batman!

Santa to Make Statement

Santa has not yet talked to reporters in regards to the incident, but a statement is expected to be made tomorrow. The other reindeer were happy, saying that he was "A little red nosed bitch" and that he "Hogged the spotlight."

The elves, on the other hand, miss Rudolph dearly. He was their whore.

Current Condition

Rudolph's condition is worsening slowly. He was, as it turned out, trampled by steel toed war boots that are worn only by stereotypical Germans. The police have yet to make an arrest. They say that they really don't care.

Rudolph's doctor has announced that the reindeer suffers a broken floribdenum, sternum and pelvis. Treatment via shotgun shells has failed. Rudolph's condition, ironically, is in the Red.

Christmas Without Rudolph? Holy Shit!

Santa will not fall off Christmas (unless, of course, it is a very foggy night.) But, due to having less reindeer to carry weight, he has marked some children off his Good List. Everybody in Denmark and Timmy Peters of Chicago, though at first good, are now bad. Scold them accordingly.

Nintendo Suspects Problem In Trickling Out Wii: It Might Kill Christmas

Nintendo has announced, now that they are potentially responsible for Rudolph's condition, that they feel mildly guilty about not mass releasing the Wii for Christmas. When asked what they were going to next, the CEO of Nintendo replied, "Rich! I'm Rich! Hahahahaha! Richie Rich Richity Rich Rich Rich Richo! Weee! I bathe in money! Hahahaha!"

May God help us all.

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

24 December 2006

Sources

• Dave Daveson "[ Wii kills Christmas, and Jesus too]" Bill Billson, July 2, 1924