UnNews:Ronaldo Sells His Body To Real Madrid
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
11 June 2009
MANCHESTER, United Kingdom -- Manchester United soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo has agreed to sell his body to Real Madrid for £80 million - plus access to an unlimited supply of beautiful women.
The Spanish based football club had longed wanted to sign the petulant Portuguese born midfield player but it took the offer of some 'extra inducements' that finally persuaded him to leave Manchester United.
"My body is my temple , I worship myself everytime I look in the mirror" admitted Ronaldo. "Without me the Manchester United team is full of very ugly men but now that Caca has gone to Madrid as well , I wanted to play the beautiful game for a beautiful team."
Ronaldo also added that after spending most of the decade at the famous Manchester United club he needed a 'change of scenery' and that the women of Manchester were frankly "crude and embarrassing". Ronaldo also admitted that he had thought of going to the Chelsea Football Club in London but that "Real Madrid was now the Real Deal" for him. He was going to leave with "no regrets" but would donate his underwear to the club's trophy cabinet in compensation.
"I trust the fans of Real Madrid will love me and I know the women there will adore me. The English distrust handsome soccer players. They think their soccer heroes should look like Shrek ([Wayne Rooney]) or talk with an accent no one can understand when they speak like the Liverpool player Steven Gerrard. And as for the girls...well I can tell you. In Manchester - if I wanted to go somewhere nice , I had to use my private plane to get out of the place unless I wanted to spend an evening with drunks on a Friday night. Now in Spain I will be able to leave the stadium or training ground and be in the arms of a beautiful woman in about one minute."
Manchester United's fiery manager Sir Alec Ferguson is said to be 'furious' with the news of Ronaldo's desertion . He has said that if "the Pretty Boy from Maderia" left , the owners of the club had demanded he look for another good looking player to join the team . The club depends on selling soccer merchandise to China where the women love Ronaldo's slim , hairless body. Ferguson wants to renegotiate a contract with his other recent star signing Carlos Tevez but this player has a "face like a bag of Argentinian spanners" and only shifts horror masks in the Halloween season.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- Sinclair Lewis "Where the hell is Real-Madrid?" Real Madrid's Press Office, June 9, 2009