UnNews:Romney takes Iowa by convincing margin

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4 January 2012

With a majority 25% support in the Iowa caucus, Romney defeated second-place S*ntorum, who only got 25% of vote.

DES MOINES, Iowa -- Results from the Iowa caucuses are in, and it's good news for Republican presidential hopeful Mitt Romney.

Romney, whose campaign has been notable for its modesty and pragmatism, said, "I've got a big target on me now," referencing his convincing eight-vote lead over runner-up, Rick S*ntorum. With his commanding 25% vote share in the Iowa caucus, Romney now has breathing room while he prepares for the next primary in New Hampshire on Tuesday. Analysts expect Romney may even be able to overcome the obstacle presented by an endorsement yesterday from failed 2008 presidential contender John McCain - the same John McCain who chose Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008.

Romney broke away from his fellow Republican contenders and set his sights on President Obama while results were still being tabulated Tuesday night, telling supporters, "The gap between [President Obama]'s promises four years ago and his performance is as great as anything I've ever seen in my life." Several Romney speech writers were quietly fired afterward for having squandered so much useful hyperbole this early in the campaign.

Runner-up S*ntorum (whose name is a word synonymous with a by-product of sodomy and is printed here with only the best of journalistic intentions) has long been considered an underdog candidate. Finishing with a disappointing 25% of the vote share in Iowa may well prove the final nail in his campaign's coffin. He faced reporters Wednesday morning and bravely defied circumstance, saying, "Game on."

Rick Perry, governor of Texas, evidently stupefied by his fifth-place finish, stated on his Twitter account, "Here we come South Carolina!!" South Carolina's primary is not next, coming three days after New Hampshire's next week. Political observers hypothesize that either Perry is strategically concentrating his efforts in South Carolina, or he is a gravely misinformed fool. If the latter is the case, not all hope is lost for Perry's candidacy, as he might yet follow the path laid by former president George W. Bush, another former Texas governor of questionable intellect.

Following a disappointing sixth-place finish, Minnesota congresswoman and Tea Party darling Michelle Bachmann announced an end to her candidacy Wednesday morning - surprising Republicans, who had mostly forgot she was even campaigning. "I will continue fighting to defeat the president's agenda of socialism," Bachmann said in her concession speech. Asked by reporters if she could define socialism, Bachmann responded, "It's like... when... Democrats, and... you know... shut up!"

Numerous sources have reported that congressman Ron Paul is campaigning, too, but this cannot be independently verified and is best put out of mind.


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