UnNews:Robert F. Kennedy Jr. eats every last panda
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Thursday, March 20, 2025
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Breaking News
This just in—Robert F. Kennedy Jr. just ate every panda in existence using time-travel. Several MAGA Warriors are already attempting to justify this disaster, with China's Xi Jinping threatening to wipe the entire Western seaboard from the face of Earth. The UN has already denounced Kennedy's heinous actions, and is considering expelling the U.S. from the UN. President Trump had this to say when we interviewed him:
"Yeah, so RFK, Raw Milk Kennedy we call him plenty, we, we do...we think this is tremendous! Absolutely tremendous, I mean truly, who even needed pandas? Panda Express? I was gonna tariff China more the other day for making Panda Express anyways, so then...we're...uh...MAGA!"
The world is in full meltdown as the UN—yes, the UN actually doing something useful—held an emergency meeting to vote on Resolution 42069: War Crimes Against Pandas. In a shocking display of unity, every country except the U.S. and Israel voted to condemn America for this unspeakable act of violence against nature.
Several U.S. states—including California, Washington, Illinois, and Colorado—have threatened full-blown secession over the fiasco, while China’s tourism industry is in freefall as tourists flock to Taiwan, clinging to the irrational hope that maybe, just maybe, a single panda exists there—despite all statistical evidence to the contrary.
Taiwanese leader Tsai Ing-wen said in a statement:
"We do appreciate this sudden rise in tourism, though it may overwhelm our border services. Economy great."
We're unsure if "Economy great" was a response to another reporter yapping about debt.
Japan and South Korea shared mixed reactions, expressing happiness that the Chinese tourism industry collapsed, but also sadness that an actually enjoyable animal species just got fucking destroyed.
Meanwhile North Korea and Russia took the opportunity to threaten the destruction of America for the 16,352nd time, and apparently Australia is now celebrating en masse that China just got fucked.
Back to you, Saul.
In other news, Alaska is still cold.