UnNews:Republic of Columbo Elected to UN Security Council

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31 July 2006

President Lieutenant Columbo, distracting Iran with a story about his wife, in order to gain the upper hand. He is a follower of Sun Tzu.

NEW YORK CITY, NY -- (Routers) In a controversial move, the UN General Assembly has selected the Republic of Columbo to one of six elected or temporary members of the UN Security Council.

Columbo's Ambassador to the UN, Lt. Columbo (who is also the President for Life of the tiny nation) was reportedly pleased at the success of his nations's bid for a seat, declaring "Of course, sir, I understand." A scheduled press conference was canceled when Columbo was apparently unable to find his notes, leading him to pat his pockets in a distracted manner before declaring "Of course! Wouldn't you know it, I left it in the car." At time of press, the notes had not been retrieved from the presidential car, a broken-down Peugot convertible.

The Republic of Columbo is far smaller than any previous Security Council member, with a population of two; Columbo and his wife, "Mrs. Columbo". No photos of Mrs. Columbo are known to exist.

The election of Columbo is not without it's critics. Many rowdy members of the UN have severely criticised Columbo for the nation's "obsequious courtesy".

California Governor Arnold Schwartzenegger has publicly criticised the US government fot not using it's veto power to keep Columbo off of the Council, calling Columbo "terrror-eest nay-shon". The Governator recently made a forty minute speech against Columbo. Translators claim that he accused Columbo of causing the deaths of dozens of B-list Hollywood actors in the 1970s. "John Cassavetes, Roddy McDowell, Ruth Gordon and Robert Vaughn... these are just some of the barely remembered second stringers that this rogue nation sent to the gas chamber."

However the American Ambassador to the UN, you know, that guy with the goofy moustache who was in all the papers a while back, has had nothing but praise for Columbo.

"You should have seen him when we were grilling the Iranian foreign minister over Iran's nuclear program. Columbo asked him why Iran needed a nuclear reactor. The minister said it was to produce electric power, and he looks at Columbo like he's daring him to call his bluff, but Columbo just says "Or course! That must be the answer. I'll just put that in my report", and Iran relaxes."

"Later, he says "You see, sir, there's just one thing that puzzles me. Y'see, I got a friend who works in a power plant, and he says that nuclear power is only economical for countries without inexpensive sources of fossil fuel. I'm a loss, sir. How do you account for that?"

"Eventually, he got the Iranians to admit that they were constructing atom bombs in a little under an hour, including commercial breaks. We've got him working on the North Koreans tomorrow."

Moustache guy denied a rumour that the White House has banned Lt. Columbo from meeting with President Bush or any members of his cabinet.

"It's just a coincidence that the Administration are all hiding in the bathroom, too scared to breathe every time Lt. Columbo comes calling," he said.

The Republic of Columbo is one of only four Detective States represented in the UN; the others are the Caribbean Dominion of Cagnidad and Lacigo, the Asian Republic of Mistermoto and the Grand Duchy of Poirot in Europe

Sources

• Eman Ekaf "Well That Explains Everything: Columbo to Join UN Security Thingus" New York Philadelphian, July 31, 2006