UnNews:Regarding the sexual misconduct allegations against me

Wednesday, October 17, 2018

It has come to my attention that UnNews collaborator Joanna Corey recently accused me of sexually abusing and raping her during the time she served as an assistant for the Burger King "Whopper Neutrality" story. In this climate where sexual assault allegations have come to carry a lot of weight, I felt compelled to respond. I have always valued my job as an UnNews correspondent, and it pains me to see the reputation of the organization dragged through the mud because of utterly baseless and spurious allegations.

I unequivocally deny Joanna's claims of forcing her to fellate me while the camera crew winked and turned the equipment off like the bros they were. I find it shameful that she'd further try to drag my very own hand-picked crew into her web of vindictive falsehoods. I can personally vouch for the character of all my crewmates, and emphatically state that no, we did not decide on a gangrape on Thursday the 12th because the lesbian on our team wanted in on the "steamy forbidden action".

These false allegations are shameful and do a grave injustice to the very genuine horrors faced by true sexual assault victims. I implore Joanna to consider what it would be like to really suffer through something so horrible. I mean, I know that she walks past the Burger King on the way home from work every night, and that she doesn't have the luxury of affording any other way of commuting. Wouldn't it be an absolute shame if she were dragged into the dark, virtually invisible alleyway just a couple of blocks down, and preyed upon by people who truly meant her harm? They could do absolutely anything to her. Heck, after seeing her come out with allegations like this, they'd probably even prepare themselves to properly silence her and not screw it up this time. Do you know how easy it is to get a bone saw these days?

I implore Joanna to reconsider her vendetta against me and my beloved crew. We truly never meant any harm, and if she truly treasures what remains of her life, she'll understand that and apologize for her vindictive lies. Otherwise, I will take whatever steps are necessary to preserve my reputation and I can't protect her from the repercussions of those measures.

I'd like to thank the UnNews editorial team for giving me the opportunity to speak out, and I promise to repay this debt as generously as I can. I will be saying no more on this matter, though what I'll do is another question entirely.