UnNews:Queen waves goodbye, passes crown to Hillary

Friday, April 1, 2016

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The Queen waves goodbye. Her trademarked Royal Wave™ has contributed significantly to her 90-year reign as Queen.

One of Hillary's early attempts at imitating the Royal Wave™. The Queen advised her not to use both hands at once.

Hillary's skill at the Royal Wave™ is improving. "All she needs now is that tiara!" says husband Bill.

LONDON - Buckingham Palace announced today that Hillary Rodham Clinton will soon be crowned Queen of Great Britain. She will leave for her coronation as soon as arrangements can be completed regarding the location of her e-mail server.

"I am delighted at this opportunity to serve the Amer-uh-British people," said the jubilant former-Secretary of State. "And I want to thank my husband Bill for making it possible."

According to Hillary's husband, former President Bill Clinton, "When Hillary saw the beautiful crown that she'll get to wear as Queen, her face just lit up, and she started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and squealing 'A tiara! You got me a tiara! I get to wear a tiara!'" smiled the former-President. "I know Hillary will do a great job as Queen. And I know I'm going to have lots of fun being a king! Our lives are going to be a lot better, now that she's not going to be running for anything. If Hillary had stayed in the race for President, and Bernie Sanders won that nomination, I knew Hillary would have reacted just like she did in 2008, when she lost to Obama. And I sure didn't want to go through that again! I mean, I love Hillary, but that woman has a temper like you would not believe! That's why I contacted Dr. Phil."

Dr. Phillip J. McGraw, PhD (aka "Dr. Phil"), is a celebrity talk-show host and international negotiator. He has written a number of best-selling books, including Relationship Rescue, Self Matters, and The 20/20 Weight Loss Diet.

"That weight loss book of his is amazing," said Bill. "And I knew if he could help fat Americans lose weight, he could do just about anything! So I got in contact with him, and together we worked out a plan, and then met with the Queen. Everything worked out just like Dr. Phil said it would."

Buckingham Place seems pleased with the arrangement as well.

"We believe Hillary will make a fine queen," said the current Queen, Elizabeth R. Windsor. "She has a great deal of experience in international affairs, as well as in handling affairs at home. We believe she is up to the job. Phillip and ourselves have been discussing our retirement for some years. And now with our 90th birthday approaching, the time seems right. It's nice to know that when we blow out those 90 candles on our birthday cake, we can look forward to some quiet years. No more slogging about the country waving at people, and cutting ribbons, and other such nonsense."

The Queen recently appeared on the Dr. Phil show, where she tried to explain to the American people the difference between "English" and "British". After polling the studio audience, Dr. Phil asked the Queen to respond to the questions which were asked most often.

Q: Is Britain still a part of England, or is it a separate country now?

A: um...it's...complicated.

Q: Do the British people speak English?

A: Yes.

Q: Do the English people speak British?

A: um..no.

Q: Why do you call your flag Jack Onion?

A: We don't.

Q: Who is the President of England, you or your husband?

A: um..it's...complicated.

At the end of the show, Dr. Phil made the surprise announcement that has had the news wires buzzing on both sides of the Atlantic.

Dr. Phil waves away all obstacles. "Just wave enough money at people," he says. "They'll see things your way."

"Just so you'll know," he drawled "we haven't forgotten about the other members of the royal family. We've got something really special planned for them! We're going to be giving them their very own reality TV show! It will air on both sides of the Atlantic and promises to be a huge international success!"

Members of the British public have had mixed reactions to the coming reign of "Queen Hillary', but the idea of a reality show starring the members of Britain's current royal family has received enthusiastic support.

"Dr. Phil's plan is brilliant!" says former-Prime Minister Tony Blair. "We knew the Queen was getting on in years, but we really didn't have anyone that seemed like a suitable replacement. Hillary seems to be fairly adept at waving and ribbon cutting, and her skills seem to be improving. Of course, Dr. Phil's idea about a reality show starring the royal family really sealed the deal for us. The revenue stream from that show should put this nation on the best financial footing we've been on since we lost those 13 colonies in America. By the way, we still haven't figured out what became of them. If you happen to run across them, please do let us know."