UnNews:Queen miffed, resigns
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
29 January 2007
LONDON, England -- Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, Queen of the United Kingdom of England, Wales, Scotland, sometimes Northern Ireland (when Gerry Adams is on holiday), and Head of State of a Number of Countries that are Very Far Away, resigned on Sunday. This was shortly after hearing that Helen Mirren had scooped a whole set of awards for her portrayals of Elizabeth I and Elizabeth II, and is now considered an Oscar favourite.
After years of being overlooked, it was evidently the last straw.
"I have played the role of queen longer than anyone else, and nobody has never ever given me a gong for nothing", she said, demonstrating her unique grasp of the triple negative, which is unique to the Queen’s English and renders the speaker unable to converse with Americans.
Buckingham Palace has since announced that Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, Queen of the United Kingdom of England, Wales, Scotland, sometimes Northern Ireland (when Gerry Adams is on holiday), and Head of State of a Number of Countries that are Very Far Away will now be known officially as The Artist formerly known as Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, Queen of the United Kingdom of England, Wales, Scotland, sometimes Northern Ireland (when Gerry Adams is on holiday), and Head of State of a Number of Countries that are Very Far Away. You may, however, call her Liz.
Tony Blair released a short statement praising her contribution to the world. Nevertheless, he said he understood to some extent: "I mean she and I are the only Brits left without a gong of some sort, and I am sure she is feeling a little left out, as am I."
In a letter of resignation leaked to The Times of London, Liz wrote that she was miffed that she still hadn’t received a commendation, or even just a common MBE.
"I mean I like invented reality TV, what with my whole family fighting wiv each other in front of cameras and stuff", she wrote, showing that the Queen’s English has indeed kept up with the times, "and I have given Tony oodles of doodles of cash for his silly Labour party (anything to keep that bitch Thatcher and her bunch out) and been like his only friend the last few years. For years I have sat sit cooped up in this dreadfully draughty old house in the touristy part of town with a bunch of yapping dogs and weird children, and that Mirren witch gets all the credit. And what have I got to show for it? Where’s my seat in the Lords? Blair just promises and promises to give me real power. I want to be Baroness of Green Park! Or at the very least a junior minister without portfolio!"
The public sector appointments page in the Guardian carried an advertisement for the post of Queen, after Camilla Parker-Bowles-Windsor was turned down in an initial interview. Elton John, the Queen of All England, and Michael Jackson, the Queen of Los Angeles and Little Boys Everywhere, have both expressed an interest, and Jimbo Wales, already the Queen of England on Wikipedia, is considered a hot favourite. From her hiding place in Dubai, Diana, the Queen of Hearts, has also said she may be interested. Her secret office released a statement saying, "Dodi is going to be King of Knightsbridge when his daddy dies, and then we could be King and Queen, like in the fairytales."
Sources[edit | edit source]
- BBC News "Regal Mirren wins ANOTHER award" BBC, January 29, 2006