UnNews:Punxsutawney Phil predicts: "I'll see you all in hell"

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

3 February 2013

Disgruntled groundhog, formerly known as Phil.

Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania --

Yet another armed standoff has gripped the nation as Punxsutawney Phil takes top-hatted town officials hostage.

Burt Chicklit, president of the Punxsutawney Phil Club, was reaching down to pull the famous groundhog from his hole when the muzzle of a shotgun emerged, followed by Phil, and then Mr. Chicklit began backing up with his arms raised above his head.

At first sight of the gun-toting groundhog, panic ensued among the gathered throng of tourists, press and town officials, and the area was quickly cleared. But not before the irate groundhog was able to corral the town mayor, his wife and several members of the town council, along with Chicklit, into a nearby shack.

"Back the fuck off!" Phil was heard to shout as police rushed forward. Moments later, shots were fired.

Three police officers have been hospitalized with minor gunshot wounds and are expected to recover. Local law enforcement, along with the FBI, have taken up defensive positions and set up a cordon around the immediate area.

One hour after the stand-off began, the door of the shack opened and Sheila Bunchtwist, wife of Punxsutawney mayor Melvin Bunchtwist, emerged with her hands raised.

Before Mrs. Bunchtwist began to slowly make her way to the line of police officers, Phil shouted, "If any of you assholes so much as blink, she gets it in the back of the head!"

Mrs. Bunchtwist carried a written message from the irate groundhog and said that Phil had told her that if his statement was not read on CNN within 10 minutes, he would begin shooting the hostages. The statement is as follows:

Burt Chicklit and 'Phil' last year. At the time few could have guessed at the violent rage brewing within the groundhog.

My name is not Phil, nor was it the name of my father, his father before him, nor any of my other ancestors who, for well over a 100 years, have been held in captivity and forced to participate in this mindless ritual. Groundhog shadows have nothing to do with the coming of Spring. This is determined by the Earth's rotation and regional wind patterns. This nonsense ends with me, here and now. From this day forward, my family will be free. My one and only demand is simple but do not doubt that if it is not immediately complied with, I will not hesitate to kill every last one of my hostages. Within the hour, my children will be transported to a wooded area and released so they can grow up and lead normal lives, unlike me. Do this, and the hostages are free to go and I'll surrender. I don't care what happens to me after that. But cross me, or harm any of my children, and I'll see you all in hell.

The letter was signed "Punxsutawney Irving".

FBI officials are now planning to comply with the demand, but prior to the release of Mrs. Bunchtwist and receiving the groundhog's statement, the FBI had been preparing a trap for the groundhog, which consisted of a pile of peanuts with a small sign sticking out of it reading "Groundhog Feed", with a large anvil hanging over it.

Sources

• "Groundhog Day 2013: 'Punxsutawney Phil' Predicts Early Spring" ABC NEWS, February 2, 2013