UnNews:President Bush Acknowledges the Existence of Soccer

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8 May 2006

President George W Bush was handed a secret memo from the CIA this morning, concerning the possible existence of "soccer".

In a televised address to the nation, President Bush expressed his surprise and dumbfound amazement over the existence of the game that he, sports enthusiast that he is, had no previous knowledge of, in spite of the fact that it is regularly played in all parts of the world (even including various outlying regions of the United States).

"Frankly, I wasn't aware of the nature or widespreadedness of this strange sport, until this very morning", averred the President. "I mean, whenever I was overseas on a diplomatic mission, every time some head of state or one of his underlings mentioned the big football game, I simply assumed that they were talking about the latest NFL or collegiate match-up, such as between the Cincinnati Bengals and Texas AMU."

"Let's face it", continued Bush, "soccer is a tough game, played with a weird ball. From what I have been told, the rules there don't allow the ball to be touched with human hands, neither do they allow intimate contact between the men playing it. However", pausing for breath and teleprompter scrolling, "even taking these apparent so-called advantages into consideration, it is my firm belief that the sport of soccer football will never seriously compete with real American football in the hearts and minds of True Americans."

Later, taking questions from the field, President Bush reiterated some of the details of his impoverished culturally-deprived Texan childhood, such as never having the opportunity to witness soccer, classical music, grinding poverty, hurricanes, or black people firsthand. He then expressed his profound admiration for the conservative American values that allowed even the likes of himself to overcome such debilitating odds in growing up to be elected President, almost twice.