UnNews:Portugal's training methods exposed

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

7 July 2006

The Portuguese worked hard on their tucks, pikes and injury feigning techniques in preparation for the World Cup

Portugal's reputation as cheaving diving bastards was further worsened as their pre-World Cup training facilities were exposed in a uncyclopedia.co exclusive.

At first manager Luis Felipe Scholari was dismayed that his players were sporting and honest individuals, embodying the corinthian spirit that is so idealised by the sporting public. To batter this chivalry and civility out of his players he forced them on a gruelling regime of diving lessons, injury feigning drills and a crash course on crying like a 4 year old girl at will.

Luis Felipe "Big Phil" Scholari is famed for being a Sargeant Bilko figure in his homeland Brazil and he wasn't about to turn into a soft touch when he swam across the Atlantic Ocean to Portugal, just to prove what a right old hard fuck he is.

"I only want puffy faggotty gay types in this team" said Scholari, previously a devoutly rabid right-wing homophobe, upon his arrival, choking on the raw sewage in the river Tejo when he swam into Lisbon.

His answer was to commandeer the municipal diving board. "When I first arrived, half of the squad wouldn't get knocked over if a jumbo jet ploughed into them. I know the English call this 'fair play', but in Brazil we call it 'fucking stupid'. Everyone knows that fair play is the biggest bunch of bollocks ever invented. To win one must fall over and mimic having a broken neck even if a puny little fly looks like it might come within a ten light year radius of you."

The Portuguese squad seem to have taken to this philosophy with impressive enthusiasm. In Portugal's first game of the tournament, captain Luis Figo got the Angolese captain sent off in the pre-match handshake when he pulled the African's hand to his face poking his eye out. A straight red was brandished by the match official and Figo had to run off to the cornershop to get a replacement eye in time for kick off.

This set the tone for a bloody world cup campaign where Portugal cruised to the top of their group by winning each game 3-0 by default as the entire other team had been sent off in each match before half time.

After the quarter final match against England, the England right-back Gary Neville was quoted as saying, "That Cristiano Ronaldo, he's a like a teenage girl what goes down on you too easily." Wayne Rooney was quoted as saying, "I wish I actually snapped the fucker's neck, rather than the c*nt just pretending it was" after he was sent off for breathing within five yards of his Manchester Buccanneers team-mate.

Ronaldo was left crying as he was taken off in a body bag but magically resurrected himself in time for Portugal's semi-final against France. However, Ronaldo's recovery and the usual cheating and diving wasn't enough for Portugal as they crashed out to a penalty from Zinedine Zidane, who starred for Les Bleus despite being so old he needs a zimmer frame and has to carry a catheter at all times in order to pass fluids.

If Ronaldo was brought to tears by losing to the French, his misery was compounded when he lost the FIFA World Young Players of the Tournament prize to England's Theo Walcott who hadn't even played a game. Although Ronaldo didn't win the prize, the substitute goalkeeper Quim won the prize for the most stupidest name of the tournament ahead of South Korea's Pi Ki Git and Brazil's Fellatio.

Sources

• Luis Felipe Scolari "Federação Portuguesa de Futebol (e de Mergulho)" someone with greasy hair called Carlos, July, 07, 2006