UnNews:Pope apologizes; makes new speech praising Islam
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19 September 2006
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THE VATICAN (AP) -- The Pope issued a new speech today, contrary to his old one that nobody liked, reversing his position on Islam.
"My previous speech quoted some guy from like, the 1300s or something like that to imply that the violent aspects of some forms of Islam were perhaps somewhat misguided." said the Pope. "That was totally wrong of me, since now that there has been a reaction to my speech consisting of a nun being murdered, churches being firebombed, as well as multiple calls for my arrest and death, I realize that I grossly misjudged Islam. Therefore, as Pope, I hereby declare without reservation that everything ever done in history by a believer following Islam was a good, just, reasonable and beneficial act."
The Pope then announced he was converting to Islam and would require all Christians to do likewise.
"All this time, we've been ignoring the reasonable requests of the followers of jihad for us to finally wake up to the truth: that there is no god but Allah, and that Muhammed, peace be upon him, is the last prophet of Allah. Why these simple facts slipped through our grasp for so long seems to be, in retrospect, just silly. All the time that Moslems have been killing, blowing things up, making angry videotapes, and taking over countries was just spent trying to make us get that through our thick western colonialist skulls. Thank goodness they killed all of those people, otherwise we would have been apostates forever."
The Pope's revelation, which is expected to lead to the subsumation of Christianity into Islam by a date that has not yet been determined, is expected to be commented on by President Bush, who, in a similar move, is expected to introduce legislation to amend the Constitution so as to replace it with the full text of the Koran.
"The president says he's bored of this war on terror thing, and it's getting old. It was fun at first, but it's gone on too long and he just wants it to stop so he can think clearly again. Let's just give these silly Moslems what they want and let them have their ounce of horseflesh. One ancient piece of paper from like, a million years ago, or another, what's the diff?" remarked one of Bush's aides, who was busy shoplifting DVDs, and so was unable to talk to us further.
Discussions concerning the orderly transfer of political authority over The Vatican to Osama Bin Laden are reportedly underway between the Pope and Bin Laden's second in command, Bert.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- "Pope finally realizes that Islam is the true path." CNN, Sept 18, 2006