UnNews:Police search for sceptical vandal
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
12 January 2012
SOUTH YARRA, Australia, GNN (Goanna News Network). POLICE were yesterday on the lookout for a "callous and calculating" sceptic whose vandalism showed contempt for a wide range of entirely baseless supernatural beliefs.
Senior Detective Peter Plodsworth of Prahran CIB said: "This alleged offender clearly has zero repect for any supernatural belief system, whether it be that of the Anglican church or of people who believe that chiropractors are magic."
The mystery rationalist first struck at the Anglican church on the corner of Toorak and Punt Roads, crossing out some smug Latin motto and replacing it with the words "In Dogma, Ignorance."
"The alleged offender then proceeded to ambulate in a southerly direction," Sen-Det. Plodsworth said in flawless policespeak. "He or she then allegedly proceeded to deface a billboard outside that strange little church."
The billboard in question reads: "He was raised on the Third Day for our Acquittal." Beneath the text the mystery vandal scrawled: "LOLWUT? Says who?" Sen-Det. Plodsworth said the vandal then crossed the road and spat a mouthful of Twisties on the glass door of the door of a chiropractic quack's lair.
"But that arsehole deserved it," Plodsworth said. "He pretends that spinal manipulation cures ear infections in babies. In fact, I should probably do (charge) him for obtaining financial advantage by deception and practising medicine without a license."
"Fucking chiropractors."