UnNews:Pickpocket steals phone with chopsticks
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This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation. |
12 April 2013
I don't want to seem like I'm condoning theft, but I kind of feel like if you're able to steal a phone out of someone's pocket while they're cycling past you, with chopsticks, then you kind of deserve to have that phone. I can't even eat noodles without taking my grandmother's eye out, or slightly pleasuring my dog, so I do feel that the pickpocket, 34-year-old Gian Wang, deserves that phone.
The stolen phone was a Telstra TicTalk, which probably costs about as much as a packet of Skittles, and is about half as useful. The TicTalk broke down even more then the talks between the USA and Iran. Thankfully, there are only about four in the world, and because of that, it should be collector's item, but it's just too shit.
Wang, who is originally from Beijing, gave himself up at a local police station after photos emerged of him robbing a cyclist in downtown Zhengzhou.
Unfortunately for Wang, as soon as the chopsticks touched the TicTalk, the screen smashed and thankfully, the entire phone was damaged beyond repair. Out of the seven billion people on the plant, Wang was the only one not to get a sudden urge to jump for joy then quickly masturbate.
The cyclist was reportedly completely unaware that the theft was taking place.
After seeing himself in local media reports, Wang phoned a journalist and admitted that he was the "suit man" in the photos. He said he turned to crime as he is struggling to raise his 12-year-old llama by himself.
Sources[edit | edit source]
- IFYMB!, "Pickpocket caught on camera stealing a woman's mobile phone with a pair of CHOPSTICKS" Daily Mirror, 12 April 2013