UnNews:Pharaoh to step down

This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-picosecond misinformation.

2 February 2011

King Amenhotep as he appeared on television today.

CAIRO, Egypt -- Following intense riots in Cairo and Alexandria for the past few days, Pharaoh Amenhotep has finally agreed to step down from power, but not until the election period in September. King Amen insists he will serve out the rest of his term, which began the day he was born.

"I never intended to stay any longer than this," Amenhotep told our reporter. "I simply want a smooth transfer of deification to the next person our people elect as their omnipotent and everlasting god. After that I will retire to my pyramid with all my worldly possessions and never be seen again."

The riots have been the worst case of civil unrest in Egypt since the Sphinx Nose riots 35 years ago. Grievances for the protesters include police brutality, lack of free elections and free speech, corruption and the construction of a 500 ft Wonder in the shape of Pharaoh's head. "It's not the size that's the problem," said one of the builders. "It's the fact that he wanted us to align it with the planet Jupiter." Citizens are also disenfranchised because of the high figures of unemployment in Egypt, although the ruling classes have pointed out that there are always plenty of openings in the slave trade. The Pharaoh's underlings have also defended the contentious issue of minimum wage, which is currently at 0 Piastre (roughly 0 US Dollars). "Egypt simply can't afford to pay them any more than that," said Secretary of State Siamun II, who spoke to our reporter outside his solid gold palace this morning.

Pharaoh's closest rival, Princess Selene of the Ptolemaic dynasty, has been critical of his delay in stepping down. Like many of the protestors, she believes it is a trick to stay in power for longer. UnNews caught up with her sneaking into the Pharaoh's bedroom in lingerie and fake beard. "Why can't he stand down now?" she asked, as she struggled to control the poisonous snake concealed in her hairdo. "It's all very suspicious".

In the United States, War Chief Jumping Dog of the Sioux tribe has admitted his support of Pharaoh's decision, saying; "The moon is red, no more blood will be spilt tonight." He explained that he has advised the Egyptian leader to make an orderly transition of power, and that the Spirit of the Great Tree must be appeased. British Monarch Richard IV has also gone on record stating that it is not Great Britain's place to meddle in the affairs of other countries, and that he has more trifling matters to attend to, such as rebuilding Jerusalem in England's green and pleasant land.

Despite generally supporting the result, Governments across the world are worried that free and democratic elections will only allow sideline extremist groups to gain a foothold in mainstream politics, because obviously human beings are too stupid to be allowed to vote fairly. Israel in particular is worried that Egypt will elect the Brotherhood of Ienpw - a sect who worship Anubis, the jackal-headed god of the underworld - which of course would spell trouble for the whole world.

Sources

• David Stringer and Slobodan Lekic "Europe: Egyptian democratic reforms must begin now" Associated Press, February 2, 2011